The List Archive
The Crew’s lists based on this month’s topic…….
Top Five Favorite Aliens
Tigris Rose’s List
I love aliens, I love Sci-fi. It’s a shame that I couldn’t include some TV stuff. I would so put the Trebbles on the list. But I digress. I’ve picked my favorite aliens based on not being of human origin. Mostly because that would be a huge list.
Ewok: These cute cuddly teddy-bear creatures of Endor might look so huggable, but these little suckers are primal spear wielding mini-grizzlies.
Klingons: Who doesn’t love a warrior race? Though Klingons are hostile in nature, their code is actually quite honorable. It reminds me a lot of ancient Japan. Rules and a moral code, despite being conquerors.
Q: Q’s are the assholes of the universe. Usually seen in human form. But can appear to be what ever they wish. They have all the powers of the universe, with the love and mercy of that of Lucifer himself. John de Lancie plays the most recognizable member of the continuum as a pest of Capt. Picard, and Capt. Janeway getting them in all sorts of trouble.
5.) Transformers: Yes it started out as a TV show. But they are now a blockbuster. I wasn’t a big fan of the TV show, but when the first movie came out I really liked it. I love how bumblebee was a crappy car and turned into a smokin’ Camero.
4.) Dr. Jumba and his 627 experiments: I love Lilo and Stitch. But Dr. Jumba is supposed to be this evil scientist, with the lab, and the Russian accent. But deep down he has a heart, and a conscious and finally finds a family on Earth. And trying to find, capture, and rehabilitate his 627 experiments might be a little more than he can handle. But I have to put this on a Top 5 because Lilo and Stitch spawned 4 movies and a successful 3 season TV series.
3.) E.T.: This is probably the first alien movie I actually remember watching as a kid. Although the yelling was freaky, but it is a really good movie. But it has to go into the top 5, because it was my first true alien movie.
2.) Wookiee: These furry sasquatchs of Kashyyyk though loyal, brave, courageous, and devoted friends have every reason to blame the universe on what happened to their people. Because the Wookiees were put into slavery. My favorite Wookiee of course is Chewbacca. Who doesn’t love Chewy. Chewy owes the life debt to Han Solo who saved his life. But their antics between each other just makes their friendship great.
1.) Yoda: The riddle, wrapped in an enigma. The Mr. Miyagi of the universe. Yoda lived to be 900 years old, but don’t let this 2 ½-3 foot tall big ear green alien fool you. He’s one tough son-of-a-bitch. This Grand Master Leader of the Jedi council is wise among scrappy. What makes Yoda even better than anything is that he is puppeteer and voiced by Frank Oz! Who also puppeteers for the Muppets such as Miss Piggy, Animal, Fozzie, Sam, Swedish chef, and Marvin Suggs just to name a few.
Chainsaw Cheerleader’s List
Note: Several favorite alien species have not been included because of the likelihood that they will appear in the lists written by fellow writers.
5.) The clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
The sci-fi movie genre has introduced to the world an array of fantastic creatures from all corners of the universe. While some are terrifying and others are adorable, some are just so ridiculous that they are awesome. Killer Klowns from Outer Space is an offbeat invasion story about clowns from outer space that have come to harvest humans for their blood. Most people find clowns alone to be horrifying and to introduce the fact that these clowns want to wrap us in cotton candy to drain our blood through a straw is, frankly wonderful.
4.) The Thing from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982)
The 1980’s was a great decade for sci-fi films. During this time, computer graphics in movies were somewhat iffy and used sparingly, due to this Hollywood utilized puppetry. While not made of felt or from Sesame Street, Sci-fi puppetry made aliens scarier and more graphic then little green men. John Carpenter’s The Thing not only used puppetry but the film also achieved a rare feat amongst remakes, it was actually better than the original. Besides the fact that the alien looked amazing, it also played on our fears. The Thing enters our bodies without us knowing and alters our DNA. It uses our bodies to do as it pleases and proves that losing control over one’s own body is truly horrifying.
3.) The alien invaders from The War of the Worlds (1953)
The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells was the first book I willingly finished. It was also the first science fiction book I had ever read. I am not sure if I fell in love with sci-fi because of that book or not but I do know that it was an introduction and we all have to start from somewhere. The original movie adaptationof the novel may be seen as dated to some and the aliens may look silly but if one has seen the 1958 sci-fi movie The Crawling Eye, then one may see that the aliens in The War of the Words were pretty damn impressive for the early 1950’s (well, at least compared to that movie).
2.) Chewbacca from Star Wars
Cute sells. It’s as simple as that. George Lucas knew what he was doing when he introduced an alien that looked like a giant dog. Despite loving blood, guts, and gore, the five year old child inside of me does a high pitched girlie scream every time I see something adorable. I don’t care if Chewbacca is cute because Lucas wanted to sell toys or if he felt that him being cute was right for the character. I probably should care that my fondness for all things fluffy is being taken advantage of but I don’t. Besides being cute, Chewbacca does have some redeeming qualities. He can repair and pilot a ship, he’s good with a bowcaster, and he is Han Solo’s muscle. Sure, you can’t understand a word he roars but if you need someone to choke a traitor (Lando Calrissian, mainly) he’s your alien.
1.) Klingons from Star Trek
Sure their foreheads look like the ridges on top of a Snickers bar but of all the aliens in the Star Trek universe Klingons are the most bad ass. If you are like me and have played way to many RPG video games and D&D, then the Klingon’s militaristic traits and their deep sense of honor may appeal to you. If Gene Roddenberry had sat behind a paper screen, rolled the dice, and scratched out his character stats on a slip of paper, he would have created the Klingons. They are the rough and rowdy knights of space.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
5. Kuato (Total Recall)
Kuato has only a short amount of screen time, but he’s stuck with me for life. I’ve never forgotten him. Yeah, the three-boobed alien chick could have made the cut too, but I’ve opened my mind to Kuato. He’s an ugly fucker and is sticking out of some dude’s gut … that image can’t be erased no matter how hard I try. His death was also just fucked up. Yeah, I love Total Recall. Sue me. This spot could have easily been 1,001 possible Star Wars characters, but eff it. Kuato has opened my mind.
4. The Thing (The Thing)
I only watched The Thing after I saw it on Tick’s list of favorite horror movies. I’d always been meaning to, but just never got around to it. The movie was excellent and the creature — whose form is never the same — is always horrifying. It could be in anyone and it could manifest in a number of ways … fucking epic.
3. The Transylvanians (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
RHPS is a cult classic that the creators didn’t see coming. The entire movie is ridiculous and filled with catchy music, but the twist that these freaks are all aliens is just icing on the cake. It’s a “But wait … there’s more!” moment. Nothing about this film was meant to be taken seriously and as it has a special place in my heart, this one’s for you Frank. Magenta. Riff Raff. Columbia. And all those crazy bastards doing the Time Warp.
2. The Thermians (Galaxy Quest)
Galaxy Quest is a giant love letter to Star Trek and such an underrated sci-fi movie. The Thermians are an alien race who believe Tim Allen’s cast and crew from their show to be real space-faring heroes. Yeah. They’re not. The Thermians are completely naïve and hilarious with their glued on smiles. Granted, their real form is considerably more ugly, but these guys were just really funny. By Grabthar’s hammer … by the sons of Warvan … you shall be avenged.
1. Xenomorph/Predator (The Alien Series/The Predator Series)
Uninspired, I know. And no, I won’t pick one over the other. These two creatures are just classic and still remain my favorite. While Predator 2 blew chunks, it didn’t stop the actual character(s) of the race from being bad ass and as for Alien … they’re just some of my favorite sci-fi movies, even the bad ones near the end. The Xenomorph will RAPE you. How fucked up is that?
I thought this list was going to be one of the easier ones. It wasn’t. As someone who grew up watching every movie he could find about aliens and space battles, you’d think it wouldn’t be so difficult to come up with 5 favorites. It was though and some of it was because in retrospect, a lot of that shit was really fucking lame and uninspired. On top of that, going to my tried and true Star Wars, I realized that I could do a list of my 5 Favorite Star Wars aliens and still have trouble narrowing it down. So, not wanting to be disloyal to Ugnaughts or Wookies, I decided to throw Star Wars out of the mix entirely. Once that was done, things got easier
(TIE) Xenomorphs from Aliens, Bugs from Starship Troopers
This one was a no-brainer for me. The Xenomorphs are iconic at this point. H.R. Giger’s design has become so identifiable and so shamelessly copied over the years, that it’s damn near impossible not to include them. Rows and rows of sharp teeth, razor-sharp tails to impale you with, vicious sharp claws and then a natural defense mechanism, acid blood. If all of that wasn’t bad enough for you, they’ll also impregnate you with a thing that will hatch and burst out of your abdomen. One of these creatures was enough to carry one movie and slaughter a whole ship’s crew. The sequel cranked it up by turning them into an army.
Starship Troopers is a goofy, cheesy movie, but there’s a lot of cool stuff in there as well. I love the wartime propaganda and the ridiculous overacting, but as far as the actual aliens go, it’s similar to why I like the Xenomorphs. There’s shitloads of them and it takes an army to battle them. Both Xenomorphs and Bugs are insect-like, but where Xenomorphs will sneak around in vents and display more intelligence and cunning, Bugs are just big, dumb, vicious monsters that overwhelm you with numbers and ferocity. Unfortunately, both of these cool designs have been sullied by shitty sequels. The originals still shine though.
Prawns from District 9.
District 9 is an excellent film. There’s plenty of places you can read about the not-subtle-at-all message of xenophobia, racism and condemnation of South Africa. While the story and statement itself was enjoyable, they actually created a pretty damn good alien as well. There’s really nothing human about them. They look sufficiently alien, move in an awkward jerky motion and their diet is disgusting. Plus, this led to weeks and weeks of jokes at work that never get old. Taking live prawns out of a tank, throwing them at people as they yell “Get off me you fucking prawn” in bad English accents hasn’t got old yet.
Martians from Mars Attacks!
Tim Burton has a pretty impressive body of work, with beloved classics and vilified failures. Mars Attacks remains one of my favorites. The casting is Cannonball Run-esque in it’s genius. Random celebrities pulled from all over the map, with Jack Nicholson giving the whole cast some level of credibility and playing three roles. The story is throwback, retro cool, but the aliens are just hilarious. They’re doing funny and stupid shit the whole movie and their quacking speech punctuates the sound of rayguns and explosions as they go about slaughtering cities. I also love how there’s really no reason they’re attacking us. They’re not looking for a new food source. We didn’t misunderstand them and they’re just defending themselves. They’re just mean little fuckers who decided to come kill us. Simplicity works sometimes.
Sleestaks from Land Of The Lost
Hearing a Sleestak hiss to this day makes me look over my shoulder. I was simultaneously terrified and fascinated with Sleestaks as a child. Land Of The Lost was must-see television when I was 6. I’d wake my little ass up early to make sure I didn’t miss it. As a design, they’re pretty simple. They’re walking lizards with crossbows who skulk around in dark caves. As a child with an overactive imagination though, they were the terrors of the dark. The show always gave you the slightest glimpse into Sleestak life and you know down there in the dark, there was freaky shit going on. Weird sacrificial sex rituals to dark lizard Gods who’s temples and statues you’d see on the periphery every now and then. Plus games. Sleestaks always looked like they enjoyed a good limbo or possibly a crude version of shuffleboard.
The Visitors in V
Yeah, technically they’re television. I don’t give a fuck. This show played into a theme that always resonates with me. Regular people under totalitarian rule forced to form resistance groups. As actual aliens, much like the Sleestaks, the Visitors are just walking lizards. What makes them so insidious is they wear makeup to appear human. When they arrive, not only do they befriend us, they actually end up taking everything over. The fact that they do it diplomatically and that their endgame is to enslave and eat all of us, makes them a diabolical being to be feared and respected. I haven’t watched enough of the new V to pass judgement on it. The few episodes I’ve seen look too glossy and polished. I need the ’80s cheese that the original served up. I need guys with feathered hair coming up with preposterous ways to expose the Visitors to the world, executing their plans with hamfisted precision, only to realize that all their efforts are useless. I truly can not wait until we are invaded. I’ve already been laying the groundwork here and I assure you fellow Resisters, that we will fight the alien force in luxury. No sewers and abandoned factories. We have 5 star hotels here, baby!
Like Pi, I could make my entire list based just on Star Wars aliens. I don’t really consider myself a hardcore Star Wars geek and I’m surely not an apologist, but I grew up on Star Wars and it had an impact on me. The diverse alien races are the one thing Lucas managed to not screw up…..well, except for the shit he introduced in Episode 1. Anyway, unlike Pi, I will not shun my Star Wars peeps. I just promise not to saturate the list with them. That said….
The Sleestaks – What Pi said.
Bossk, Greedo & Admiral Ackbar – No, I was serious, this whole list could be Star Wars if I wanted. But, I’ll lump these three here as one runner-up and give some other beings a chance. The thing that’s so great about the Star Wars universe (or, so bad depending on how you look at it) is that everyone you’ve ever seen on screen, even if their entire screen time through six films amounted to a two-second glimpse in the background, has a name and a fully fleshed out storyline somewhere within the cannon of Star Wars tie-ins. So what do the galaxy’s most fearsome bounty hunter, it’s lamest bounty hunter and one of the greatest rebel commanders have in common? They’re the three that captured my imagination the most as a kid even before I knew about their complex lives. They looked the coolest, they had the best action figures and they made the most out of their small scenes. And yeah, I’m calling Bossk the most fearsome Bounty Hunter in the Star Wars universe. Fuck Boba Fett. Bossk scared Imperial officers by scowling at them. Boba Fett went out like a bitch. Also, because it has to be said, HAN SHOT FIRST! Spill a little Four Loko for my dead homie Greedo.
The Cat From Outer Space – Never has there been an alien on film that was so iconic and so thought-provoking that it shaped generations of film makers, like The Cat From Outer Space. The Cat From Outer Space combined anthropomorphic humor and Jungian philosophical subtext with brilliant dialogue…..okay….I don’t care. He’s on the list as a gift to my wife who loves this stupid movie for some reason. You’re welcome, honey. He’ll never appear on this blog again.
5) Metaluna Mutant from This Island Earth (1955) – I love the aliens and monsters from fifties movies. They were usually pretty awfully realized, but it was never for lack of imagination. Film makers weren’t dissuaded by budgetary constraints or primitive special effects. They aimed for the moon in creature design and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes they came out pretty good, mostly they didn’t. The Metaluna Mutants fell somewhere in the middle. These guys look pretty cool. At least until the actors in these suits start moving around. Then it sort of resembles a little kid making himself a robot costume out of cardboard boxes and tubes. It didn’t matter to me as a kid, though. These things were pretty freaky to me and downright badass. I don’t know how many crayon pictures I made of these things in grade school. They were one of my favorite monsters. I don’t even remember the movie well or what they did in it. I think they were bit players. Just mindless worker drones that you didn’t want to fuck with or they’d pull your arms off. It didn’t matter to me then and it doesn’t now. I just want to move to the planet where they will be my scrotum headed army.
4) Gort from the Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) – As I said, the 50’s films had an impact on me as a kid and Gort is another one of my favorites. Let’s get two things straight right now, 1 – The only version of this film is the original. That abortion with Keanu doesn’t exist. 2- I don’t give a shit if Gort might be a robot. That’s never really spelled out and even if he is, he’s still an alien robot, so let it go. Anyway, The Day The Earth Stood Still is a great movie. One that was way ahead of it’s time and it still holds up today. The sociopolitical themes were handled well and Gort served well not just as a character, but as a symbol. His screen time is limited, but he’s used in a way that makes him seem awe-inspiring and intimidating. I remember sitting in front of the TV as a kid, slack-jawed and staring as Gort melted tanks with his laser eye. A classic film and a classic alien.
3) The Gorn from Star Trek – The Gorn is the baddest of the badasses in the Star Trek universe. Spare me your Kligons and Romulans. I don’t want to hear about Mugatu or little Clint Howard. You mention the word Borg and you’ll get your wig split. The Gorn is from a little planet called Beat A Bitch’s Ass and you’re making the brotha homesick. Let’s face facts – he just looks cooler that other Star Trek aliens. Star Trek creators are fucking lazy. Their idea of creating a new alien race is something like Human with pointed ears or Human with a unibrow or human with a cleft lip or human with blue back acne. You get the picture? Getting the Gorn, which is like some drunken nerd’s unholy amalgamation of a professional wrestler, a sleestak and Godzilla rolled into one lumbering, hissing, strangely tail-less masterpiece. He’s a lizard Spartan! To make him even more impressive, this dude is like the only one to ever really kick Kirk’s ass. Kirk had to cheat like a little bitch to win the battle, but badass that he is, The Gorn still wasn’t put down. PLUS, the Gorn is so classy, he shook Kirk’s hand afterwards and had his race join the Federation after the fight. I’m betting their technology is kind of shitty, but who knows? maybe they made starships out of twigs and leaves. They ARE that badass.
2) The Thing from The Thing (1982) – A very predictable pick from me. I’ve said many times that The Thing is one of my favorite films of all time. I’ve pontificated and gushed and dissected it over and over. This is the third or fourth time the film has appeared on one of my lists, I believe. No point of rehashing how great the film is or why I love it again. Just know it has to be here and if you disagree, you should go suck on an exhaust pipe.
1) Chewbacca from The Star wars Saga – I find it almost odd, yet sort of fitting and comforting that this is the one list that we’ve done where my entire list was influenced and shaped from my childhood. Every alien on the list impacted me and shaped me as a film fan. None more so than Chewbacca. How could he not? Star Wars was my end all, be all as a little kid and no matter what I took away from it in different aspects, I loved Chewie. I may have wanted to be Han Solo, but if I wanted anyone from the film to be real, it was the loveable wookie. Chewbacca was everything a kid could want. He was a pet and a stuffed animal and your bodyguard and your best friend all rolled into one. He was a bad ass, he was a comedian and he was the guy that you knew you could count on. He seemed completely foreign, yet totally accessible. Chewie was like every little kid fantasy combined into one big hairy package. He’s also, strangely, just about the most fully realized character that Lucas ever created. Forget Luke. Chewbacca is the every man role in this story.
5. Jar Jar Binks from The Phantom Menace — Just to piss off all you Star Wars junkies.
4. Uncle Martan from My Favorite Martian — Because, ya know, greatest movie EVAH!
3. Klown Army from Killer Klowns from Outer Space — That’s right, I went there.
2. Mr. Spock Star Trek Franchise — Ok, even I, who HATES Star Trek, must admit that Mr. Spock is bad ass.
1. Marvin the Martian — Space Modulator…FOR THE WIN!
Can you guys tell just how much I love the whole SyFy genre?
Super Carnitas’ List
Note from Tick: Super Carnitas does not have a working computer right now, so he was unable to post his list like he would’ve wanted. He did send me a text message with his five choices, but no explanations as to why they are his favorites. So, I will fill in the reasoning for him. These may not be completely, factually, his reasonings for his choices, but I’m betting they will be close enough. Or not.
5 – The Aliens from They Live. – There is a man across the street that looks like this when I wear sunglasses and eat peyote. I know he can read my mind. I like Pop Trats and he knows it. I bet he claims to have been born in Hawaii too.
4 – The Thing – This lives next door. It turned my cat and refuses to reveal it’s true self. I will wait, you bastard. I will wait.
2 – Chewbacca – he’s like my teddy. I like teddy. Or, just go with what Tick said about Chewie because is Tick is super cool and ultra smart.
1 – The Blob – I like to eat Jell-O. Jell-O is neat. Also, the Blob sort of looks like a testicle
The Crew’s lists based on this month’s topic…….
Top Five Favorite Deaths
WARNING! THIS MONTH’S LIST IS FULL OF SPOILERS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. IF YOU SEE THE NAME OF A MOVIE THAT YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SKIP THAT DESCRIPTION OR THIS LIST COMPLETELY. THE FOLLOWING FILMS WILL HAVE MAJOR PLOT POINTS REVEALED –
The Empire Strikes Back, Terminator 2, Saving Private Ryan, Scarface, The Mist, Inglorious Basterds, Miller’s Crossing, Blade Runner, The Mist, Shaun of the Dead, The Wild Bunch, Platoon, Collateral, Kill Bill, Deep Blue Sea, Boondock Saints, Old Yeller, Gran Torino, Reservoir Dogs, Sweeney Todd, V For Vendetta, King Kong.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
5. The Lion King (1994), Mufasa (James Earl Jones)
Disney loves to scar children. Bambi ruined an entire generation of children, and just because Disney execs felt therapy was finally starting to help these children, they decided to make The Lion King. Everyone knows the setup. Scar wants to take over the land so he orchestrates the demise of his brother and lays a major guilt trip on Simba so he feels like it’s his fault, leaving the land without a prince to take the throne. Mufasa’s sacrifice, Simba crying and nudging up to his lifeless body … come on, it’s just something that sticks with you as a kid. Thanks a lot, Walt. Thanks a fucking lot.
4. Star Wars Episode VI – Return of The Jedi (1983), The Emperor (Ian McDiarmid) and Darth Vader (David Prowse/James Earl Jones)
This is a two-for-one deal. I cannot separate one from the other. I feel like a bit of a cop out putting Star Wars on this list … it’s fucking Star Wars. It feels like it makes it’s way onto every list somehow, but it is what it is. Vader turning against his master for the sake of his son and then asking for his mask to be removed so he could see his son before he dies is pretty damn Shakespearian for a movie that had spear chucking teddy bears. Vader just straight up hoists Palpatine into the pit, foregoing all that Jedi training to perform what is in essence a move you could see a bouncer perform to a rowdy bar patron. The scene where his mask is removed and he has a face-to-face with Luke … just good stuff. I can’t snub Star Wars on this list, even if I feel like I should be more creative.
3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
An action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and it has a truly touching ending … are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t see it for myself. The machine, all fucked up from his encounter with the T-1000, decides the only thing left to do is off himself to destroy the last of the technology. You don’t want to see him go. You can feel the pain John has having to say goodbye, and then, to top it all off as the molten hot metal is melting away at him … he gives the thumbs up… all the while that awesome score plays. It was simple, but it’s iconic. Touching and bad ass all at the same time. I want to salute the screen every time.
2. Rocky IV (1985), Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers)
Yeah … Star Wars, Terminator, and now Rocky have appeared on more than one of my lists. I feel shitty about it, but what am I going to say? Rocky IV is a very, very flawed movie filled of 90% montages. However, with that said, I really liked Apollo Creed. When the second round is about to begin, Apollo tells Rocky not to throw in the towel — no matter what. Apollo looks at his wife and gives her a gesture, but the look in his eyes .. shit just isn’t right. Drago goes to town on him that round and Apollo’s wife screams for them to end the fight. Rocky is told to throw in the towel, but Creed says no … and then bam. Drago takes the shot that kills Creed. For whatever reason, I just loved it. It might be the fact that I truly believe Creed knew he was going to likely die, but he refused to give in. I eat that shit up. Apollo was the man. Plus, Drago’s comment afterwards ‘If he dies, he dies.’ is pretty awesome in its own right.
1. RoboCop (1987), Officer Alex J. Murphy (Peter Weller)
This list has been pretty devoid of spectacular deaths — I know. For the most part this list was hard to write for me because I wasn’t sure what criteria I should go with: best performance, how much the death stuck with me, the goriness, etc. In most cases I opted for how much the death stuck with me as a film lover, but in this case, I’m marrying it with ’most brutal’. Murphy is taunted, beaten, brutalized, and left as pieces of scrap. They blow off his hand at point blank range, then shoot his entire arm off, riddle him with bullets … all the while he screams in pain. Any normal person would have been dead ages ago but this movie is seriously fucked up. It’s a pretty dark satire and after all of that, Murphy’s kept breathing long enough to take one more shot to the skull. The death scene’s pretty famous and has seen its parodies (Family Guy), but it definitely sticks with you. Got to say I loved RoboCop (the original … and in some ways the sequels will hold a place in my heart) for its darkness and overall brutality. Murphy’s demise was a shoe-in for number one.
Dub Cee’s List
5. Paul Reubens as Amilyn in Buffy the Vampire Slayer — Totally improvised by Reubens and even as a kid before my dark sense of humor had developed I thought this entire clip was hilarious. The pause in the middle and the look he gives to Buffy if to say, “You see what you’ve done?” is great. Add in the wall kick and we have my 5th favorite death scene.
4. Al Pacino as Tony Montana in Scarface — “Say hello to my lil friend!” Montana goes out in a flurry of bullets and F-bombs. He loses everything because he finally did the “right” thing. One of the most iconic final shots in cinema history.
3. Rutger Hauer as Roy Batty in Blade Runner — Rutger Hauer delivers a few short lines here that are so well done I had them in the final running for my top 5 favorite movie speeches. Beautiful. It almost makes you question if you were cheering for the wrong guy the entire film.
2. Micheal Wincott as Top Dollar in The Crow — Poetic justice. Eric Draven is fueled by his sadness and the 20 hours of pain his fiancé endured. All of it caused by Top Dollar. Eric channels all 20 hours into a single moment and transfers it into Top Dollar, who is dead well before he is impaled on the gargoyle horns.
1. David Della Rocco as David Della Rocco in the Boondock Saints — I have watched this movie literally dozens of times. Each and every time this scene gives me chills. The look of resignation and acceptance on his bloodied face and the shouts of his best friends’ desperation is, for a lack of a better word, chilling.
Honorable Mentions: Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan and Jean Reno in The Professional. Treat Williams and Steve Buschemi(sp) in Things to Do In Denver When You’re Dead.
Honorable Mentions –
Heather Matarazzo in Hostel 2 – Let me explain this one so that I don’t sound like a ghoul. I don’t like this film and this isn’t a “favorite.” I’m a hardened, jaded and generally desensitized horror film junkie. Not much gets to me. This scene did. It’s one of the most awful, disturbing and downright vile death scenes I’ve ever seen in a horror film and it really made me squirm. For that, I have to give it a tip of the hat. I’ll forever be mentally scarred by the death of Wiener Dog.
Adam Goldberg in Saving Private Ryan – Steven Speilberg single handedly destroyed the romanticizing of WWII on film with Saving Private Ryan and although the horrific opening scene on the beaches of Normandy gets all of the attention, this scene, to me, is the most disturbing. Private Melish and his desperate hand to hand fight to the death with a German soldier is powerful and moving. Melish pleading for his life as the German buries a knife into his chest and quietly and calmly whispers “Shhhhh…” to Melish is chilling and truly delivers home the horrors or war.
John Travolta in Pulp Fiction – It was unexpected. The first time you watch the film, you assume Travolta is the star and then BOOM, he gets killed. He’s not just offed in the middle of the movie, he’s done so unceremoniously and out of the blue. Then, next thing you know, he’s back as you realize that the film’s chapters are being shown out of order and as you get to the end, it all makes sense and you’re shown that the paths Jules and Vincent took had their consequences. Bonus Points – I’ve met a lot of people who to this day are baffled at how Travolta died and came back to life without any explanation.
Samuel Jackson in Deep Blue Sea & Jimmy Durante in It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World – Two funniest deaths ever.
5) John Turturro in Miller’s Crossing
One of the most “He had it coming” moments in film history. Bernie Bernbaum is a slimy, cowardly weasel and in just about every scene he’s in, you’re hoping he gets his wig split. It’s no stretch that almost every other character in the film wants him dead. He cons and connives his way through almost the entire film, but in the end Tom Reagan(Gabriel Byrne) is just too smart for Bernie to beat. Besides the satisfaction of Bernie’s fate finally catching up to him, Tom’s plot to take out his enemies is genuinely smart and one of those few truly impressive cons on film that’s believable. The look on Bernie’s face of shock and comprehension that he’s been out-smarted as he dies is truly satisfying.
4) The Entire Cast – The Wild Bunch
Sam Peckinpagh’s 1969 classic has influenced almost every western, action and crime film that’s come after it and inspired some of our most iconic film makers from Quentin Tarantino to John Woo to John Carpenter and countless others. The tale of an aging gang of criminals that cannot cope with or accept that the end of the wild west is upon them is a great story and a great analogy. You sort of sense from the beginning that they’re all doomed and that even they know it, yet they won’t change their course. The final epic gun battle against a Mexican army is brutal and tragic. It’s also a mini film class as you’ll recognize its influence on dozens, hell maybe hundreds, of films you’ve seen in your life. I can’t recommend the film enough.
3) Adolph Hitler(Martin Wuttke) in Inglorious Basterds
The beginning of the film starts with “Once upon a time…” implying that this is a fairy tale, but it’s sort of impossible to know that it’s actually a warning. You may not expect that this is a fantasy of a WWII story going in, but once you see Hitler and his top brass getting shot to ribbons, you’ll figure it out. It’s one of the most outlandish, ridiculous and, dare I say it, fun deaths in cinematic history. Even if you somehow see it coming, it’s still unexpected. I called Bernie Bernbaum’s death in Miller’s Crossing satisfying, but this death is almost cathartic. The packed theater cheered when I saw this and I expect that most viewers will feel the same way. It’s goofy, gory and downright brilliant. I dare you not to smile as Hitler gets turned into a Jack O’Lantern.
2) Toht & Belloq in Raiders of the Lost Ark
If I was basing this scene just on cool factor, gross factor or how it impacted my impressionable young film dork mind, this would be number one by a huge, huuuuggge margin. However, I tried to think a little deeper lest this turn into a brain dead “I love Gore” horror movie kill list. STILL, no matter what the criteria, the scene still manages to get to second place and it was close to first. It’s just too great, too iconic of a scene to try and reason it down to a lower spot. It also fits right in with the they had it coming as well as being yet another Nazi death on my list so, you know, there’s a semi-theme going on here. I love it and the film enough that I named my Rock Band band Toht is Melting.
1) Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead
One day I will do a full review of Shaun of the Dead and try my best to articulate just why I feel it’s one of the smartest films ever made and why it’s so close to my heart, but let me start here as this scene is basically a metaphor for the major themes of the film. As the bar Shaun is holed up on is overrun with zombies, Shaun is left with only himself, his girlfriend and his lifelong best friend Ed(Nick Frost) alive. That is, until, Ed is bitten. This is the moment when Shaun must finally leave Ed behind and escape with Liz if he is to survive. It’s one of many surprisingly poignant moments in a film that you think is going to be a light horror/comedy. Their final goodbyes and bonding are tragic and moving. The message and the moment should hit home with most people and it’s part of why this is such a complete and perfectly made film.
Chainsaw Cheerleader’s List
The following death scenes are among my favorite but, frankly they are also the ones I can clearly remember the most. Several favorite deaths have not been included because of the likelihood that they will appear in the lists written by fellow writers.
5.) The Mist (2007)
It has been a very long time since any death scene in a movie has made me gasp, “Oh, my god.” The Mist has accomplished this. I will not go into detail about the final death scene due to the fact that The Mist is still fairly a new film. To go into spoilers about this movie could potentially ruin the final and best scene of the film. After the deaths what happens next is highly unpredictable for many viewers. The Mist gives hope to further Steven King books being translated onto the big screen.
4.) The Abyss (1989)
The Abyss is a slightly forgotten and underrated film. During some scenes of the movie it can be slow and a bit preachy. Put simply, The Abyss is about an underwater oil rig that encounters an alien life force. Several deaths occur during this film but one stands out of the most. This death is not gory or elaborate. If the viewer understands the emotion within the scene it can be mentally taxing.
The scene occurs when the married main characters Bud and Lindsay are trapped in a damaged submersible that is quickly filling with water. Since the oil rig is a great distance from the submersible and there is only one diving suit, the two must decide who will live and who will die. Since the oil rig is so far away it would be impossible for the one without the diving suit to swim to safety. This means that that person must decide between drowning in the open ocean or in the controlled environment of the submersible. Lindsay believes that Bud is more important and able to save the rest of the crew. Forcing Bud to wear the dive suit, the viewer watches as Lindsay drowns. After holding her breath for as long as she can, Lindsay naturally fights her death. She thrashes about in Bud’s arms until she dies. Swimming as fast as he can, Bud drags Lindsay into the oil rig. After failing to revive her, Bud pounds on her chest, screams at her, slaps her, and cries until he performs CPR for a final time, bringing her back to life.
3.) Dawn of the Dead (1978)
In one of the best zombie movies of the 1970’s, Dawn of the Dead offers a variety of interesting deaths. By far the best that this film has to offer occurs when a man’s lower and upper half have been torn apart. While mainly just a torso is alive, the man watches in horror as the zombie horde dines on his intestines. An remarkable aspect of fan devotion is that during the shooting of this scene the animal intestines used for this death were stored in a refrigerator that would die. As a result, the animals intestines would turn rancid. So, the next time you watch this scene, remember that the zombies are acutely eating real rotten remains.
2.) Brain Dead/Dead Alive (1992)
Any movie that has a zombie priest having sex with a zombie nurse, thus resulting in a trouble making zombie baby is complete and utter awesomeness. Brain Dead/Dead Alive starts with the mother of the main character, being biten by a disease carrying Sumatran rat-monkey. The bite turns his mother into a zombie. Thinking he can control his zombie mother, he unleashes a zombie virus upon his tiny Australian town. No longer being able to hide the fact that his mother is rotting, he pretends that she has died and holds her funeral. The mother’s uncle comes to the funeral and throws a party in the house he shared with his mother. The uncle is unaware that his nephew has been rounding up the zombies around town and locked them in his basement. During the massive party, the uncle releases the zombies from the basement. The zombies eat the guests, while turning most of them into zombies as well. Trying to save himself from the zombies, he uses a large lawn mower and mows through a crowd of zombies. Zombie bits fly around the room and cover him in blood. This scene is not only funny but it shows that there is much to look forward to from the movies director (Peter Jackson).
1.) American Psycho (2000)
Christian Bale plays the perfect yuppie killer in American Psycho. With many excellent death scenes one stands out beyond the rest. While the scene where Bale chases a woman down a hallway with a chainsaw in just his running shoes is fantastic, the axe he plants in Paul Allen’s head is by far the best. This scene is brilliant due to one major fact, Bale’s acting ability. His monolog before the murder about the Huey Lewis song “Hip to Be Square” speaks volumes into the insanity of the character. His distorted smile and stiff dance moves before he picks up the axe are wonderful to watch. While hacking into Allen’s head, he screams out “Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you f–kin’ stupid bastard!” while blood splatters his face. This scene tells the audience that the character needs little motivation kill.
Sgt. Elias being overpowered by a spray of bullets as his only means of escape leaves him behind.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Spock sacrifices himself to save Caption Kirk and the rest of the crew.
Rocky IV (1985)
Apollo Creed is beaten to death in the boxing ring by Soviet boxer Ivan Drago.
Ryan Phillipe in Cruel Intentions
All right, I’m gonna say something that you probably won’t hear all that often. Or ever. Dangerous Liasons is a bad-ass fucking movie. The Glenn Close/John Malkovich/Michelle Pfeiffer version is an unabashed classic. It’s gripping, start to finish, it’s got sex, intrigue, cruel humor and thick, creamy acting slathered on a thick, toasted slice of drama. It is the ultimate meal deal. There’s quite a few versions out there, but people often forget about Cruel Intentions, because it was pretty much sold as a CW glamfest, rather than the tale of deception it is. Now while it won’t stand up against the aforementioned masterpiece, it can stand on it’s own quite steadily and shouldn’t be easily dismissed. All that said, Ryan Phillipe’s death in the film isn’t even really shown. You know what happens, but what makes it great is the whole package. It’s tragic because dude just found redemption and true love, after years of being a cad and a straight-up asshole. It’s sad, because Reese Witherspoon’s virginal character not only opened her legs to the guy, but her heart as well. It’s great because he leaves Reese his diary, which enables her to give Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character her comeuppance. It perfectly caps the film and that’s why it’s one of my favorites.
E.T. in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial
No lie. I wept like a bitch when E.T. died. I was like 9 or something when it came out, saw it in the theatre and sobbed like a little girl at poor E.T. Nevermind that he comes back to life like 2 minutes later, he was dead man! DEAD! The fucked-up thing is I saw it a second time about a month later and even though I KNEW that E.T. doesn’t really die and he was going to come back to life, I still fucking cried again at the exact same part. You have to give Spelberg his props for that. Sadly, I’m not sure this movie aged all that well. Watching it a few years ago, I see all the flaws and the cliches that Spielberg relied on in this film, not to mention all the contrived, melodramatic notes leading up to E.T.’s death. For the record, I didn’t cry on my most recent viewing, and honestly, I didn’t feel much of anything. However, E.T.’s death was such an impactful one for me as a child, that I couldn’t leave it off the list.
David Carradine in Kill Bill
I love Kill Bill. It’s one of my favorite movies period. And yes, I mean both of them. It’s ONE fucking film as far as I’m concerned. Anyway, you have this bloodtastic road to revenge, the epic fight in The House Of The Blue Leaves, the classic catfights with Vivica Fox and Daryl Hannah and it’s all leading up to The Bride’s showdown with Bill, who’s got to be the baddest motherfucker of them all, because everybody else was his underling. And in typical Tarentino fashion, Bill and The Bride sit down and chat for half an hour of amazing dialogue before their climatic duel….
which ends in 2 seconds.
Five-Point-Palm-Exploding-Heart Technique, bitches! The look on my face pratically mirrored Bill’s. I couldn’t believe that Uma Thurman straight up punked him that bad. It was epic, classic and just plain fuckin’ cool.
Paul Reubens in Buffy The Vampire Slayer
So, in the film version of Buffy, Reubens plays a vampire and Buffy stakes him. In the show, this would mean *poof*. Cloud of dust, peace out Pee Wee. In the film, it means a 2 minute death scene. Reubens “howls” in pain for a few, before slowly dropping to the ground and continuing to twitch and gasp out his last breaths It’s hilarious and even having seen it 30 times by now, it still makes me laugh. There’s really not all that much to say about it. You just need to see it.
Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea
First things first, Deep Blue Sea was a preposterous, ridiculous film. While the concept of sharks with human brains is- er… actually, it’s really just dumb. This scene though is it’s only redeeming value. It’s so out of left field, that words will not adequately describe it. Much like the Paul Reubens one, you just have to see it.
Tom Cruise in Collateral
I love Collateral. It had so many great elements to it and not only do I honestly believe that it’s Michael Mann’s best work, I think it’s one of Tom Cruise’s greatest roles as well. I’ve defended Cruise a lot over the years. He’s an easy target after The Oprah Incident, but he’s been hated on for a long time and that’s all it really is. Hate. Tom Cruise makes other actors around him better, period. When he has to solely carry the film, it usually doesn’t work, but when he can feed and play off of good talent, he’s immensely instresting on the screen. That’s why I had my doubts going in, because I wasn’t a Jamie Foxx believer yet, but watching Foxx and Cruise play off one another in this flick is great. Basically, Cruise is a hitman who hires Foxx’ cab driver to drive him around to his various targets. There’s a lot of down time, which they fill with conversation. Eventually, it all catches up to him and Cruise takes a mortal bulet wound. He escapes the conflict, boards a subway, sits down and dies in a pool of his own blood. The reason it always sticks with me is it’s such a fucked up way to die. Forget about being shot, but bleeding out on public transportation all by yourself? Not cool. Cruise captures that sadness, that realization that everything you’ve done hasn’t amounted to shit and that the last few seconds you have on this Earth are going to be spent how the rest of your life was. By your fucking self. Even though Cruise’s character is supposed to be unsympathetic, you can’t help but feel for the guy.
Super Carnita’s List
5 – Old Yeller in Old Yeller
This is the first movie that ever made me cry. I remember getting choked up and feeling strange because it was just a movie. When Travis had to shoot Old Yeller…it really got to me. I later read the book and starting getting choked up as the pivotal scene was approaching. I’m a real wuss sometimes. Don’t tell anyone.
4 – Tony Montana in Scarface
After killing his best friend, snorting a mound of coke, and being shot by his sister…things start to go bad for Tony Montana. Who amongst us can’t instantly visualize this scene? Sadly Al Pacino the actor was nearly killed in this scene….as he went on to do almost nothing else noteworthy.
3 – Apollo Creed in Rocky IV
After a Wrestlemania worthy entrance, Apollo Creed gets the shit beat out of him by Ivan Drago and dies. The beauty of this scene is that Rocky could have saved Apollo…but didn’t. He could have thrown in the towel man..he could have…but he didn’t. That’s some bullshit.
2 – King Kong in King Kong (1933)
“It was beauty killed the beast.” Awesome. Atop the Empire State Building, King Kong is shot down by an America that doesn’t understand or appreciate him. The scene is great because you can’t help but empathize with Kong. He’s never an evil “monster” so much as he’s a victim. A victim of America…or whatever. He sets the lovely lady down before he crashes to the earth. I might have to review this movie…
1 – Walt Kowalski in Gran Torino
How great is Clint Eastwood? What got to me here is that this wasn’t only the death of Walt Kowalski…but the death of Clint Eastwood The Actor. It was the death of Dirty Harry, the death of The Man With No Name, The Death of the Gunslinger. It was the death of the guy in Any Which Way You Can and Every Which Way But Loose. The death of Pink Cadillac. It was the death of the old school “Bad Motherfucker”. No doubt.
Tigris Rose’s List
Tigris Rose’s Top 5 Favorite Movie Deaths
I stayed away from horror and slasher movies, mostly because that is all horror and slasher movies are is death, death and more death. I tried to choose my favorite movies deaths based on either greatness of death or emotion upon the death. So here are my favorite movie deaths, with a few honorable mentions…
Snatch (2000)- “Pikey Reaction“: “For every action, there is a reaction. And a Pikey reaction… is quite a fucking thing.” And for Brick Top and his boys it was a fucking thing. But they deserve everything they got, since they killed Mickey’s mother. Brick Top is a sick, sadistic, deranged boxing promoter; who normally chops people up and feeds them to pigs. But he warranted the wrath of the Pikey Gypsies.
The Princess Bride (1987)- “Hello…My name is Inigo Montoya…you killed my father, prepare to die.”: I have to give an H.M. to the fight scene with Inigo and Count Rugen. Not only was it a great sword scene, but there is no one around who doesn’t know the infamous line.
Ghost Busters (1984):
Gozer: The Choice is made!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa! Ho! Ho! Whoa-oa!
Gozer: The Traveller has come!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Nobody choosed anything!
[turns to Egon]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Did you choose anything?
Dr. Egon Spengler: No.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Winston] Did YOU?
Winston Zeddemore: My mind is totally blank.
Dr. Peter Venkman: *I* didn’t choose anything…
[long pause, Peter, Egon and Winston all look at Ray]
Dr Ray Stantz: I couldn’t help it. It just popped in there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [angrily] What? *What* “just popped in there?”
Dr Ray Stantz: I… I… I tried to think…
Dr. Egon Spengler: LOOK!
[they all look over one side of the roof]
Dr Ray Stantz: No! It CAN’T be!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What is it?
Dr Ray Stantz: It CAN’T be!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What did you DO, Ray?
Winston Zeddemore: Oh, shit!
[they all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat, Peter looks at Ray]
Dr Ray Stantz: [somberly] It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
That’s right ladies and gents, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Any friend of Ghost Busters loves the movie. But as a kid and an adult how can you not love it when the Marshmallow man gets it, when the marshmallow goop flies.
5.) Boondock Saints (1999): I have to choose the scene when Rocco dies. Mostly because it is a very emotionally charged scene. With the MacManus boys on each side, and they can’t do anything to help him. Plus it leads up to joining of Il Duce to the same side, as they find out its their father.
4.) Reservoir Dogs (1992): Mexican Standoff. Who doesn’t love Mexican Standoffs? But this one brings the whole movie to the breaking point. The is were emotions run high, and everyone dies!
3.) The Crow (1994): “Thirty hours of pain all at once, all for you.” One of the most powerful deaths. When Top Dollar dies, he got everything that he deserve. 30 hours of pain, the suffering and death of Sarah. All the pain, just for him. He was dead before he fell and was impaled by the gargoyle. But it was an awesome gothic style death.
2.) Sweeny Todd (2007): Who doesn’t love a good show with full of revenge and slit throats. This movie and the stage production is full of it. I mean there is a whole song based on how to serve people as meat pies. Though I would probably not try the Priest, but if you like shows about vengeance, and blood lust then this for you. Now as far as the death scene, the last 10-15 of the movie all the major characters are killed off. First was Timothy Spall who plays the Beetle, better known by most as Wormstail in Harry Potter. Then Lauren Kelly, aka Todd’s wife Lucy. Then finally the judge gets his!!! Then Mrs. Lovett gets thrown into the oven. Then Sweeny Todd gets his throat slashed by the little boy. Each death has its own turmoil and anger. The Beetle and Lucy’s deaths are kind of cold and emotionless, but necessary for the ending. But with the last three deaths they were full of anger, hatred, wrath. Just all around emotional death.
1.) V for Vendetta (2006): The death of the character V was amazing both on the side of what exactly aspired and the choreography with V’s daggers and the fight. But the fact that his death is a result of an idea, for the good of the people. V’s character through out nearly all of the movie was not technically a good guy, just someone who started in vengeance. But with the love of a woman, grew to respect life and freedom and goes down with dozens of clips fired into him. Those he is bleeding out, he fights it out till his last breath.
Top Five Favorite Monologues & Speeches
5. Lono Veccio (Denis Leary), Suicide Kings (1997), Mr. Mantle
“Well, if you give me a couple minutes of your time, I got a few things I’d like to talk to ya about. You know, eh, what you did wasn’t really your fault. It’s what you call, a eh, genetic defect. Mom called it the, the gene. My Grandfather had the gene, he eh, came over from the boat from Ireland in 1912 and I guess he passed it on to my Old Man. My Old Man was a great guy, a real pussy cat, you know hard worker. Big sports fan, but sometimes on his way home from the docks he liked to stop in with the guys and have a couple of beers, ya know. I remember coming home from school one day, and eh, the whole house was dark. Couldn’t figure it out. I heard my Mom crying off in the dark someplace, and I was old enough at that point I could reach the light switch. I turned the lights on, and I saw, what he did to her. So I went to my room and I got, the eh, baseball bat. Mickey Mantle model my Old Man give me for Christmas, and I found the Old Man passed out in the bathtub, and I tattooed him. Needless to say, when I came home everyday from school after that, the eh, house is lit up like Ebbet’s Field, and the Old Man eh, never drank again. So all I’m saying to you is if you wanna drink, you go ahead and drink. But if I ever find out that you laid your hands on that little girl again, me and Mr. Mantle are gonna pay you a visit my friend. “
Lono Veccio has just seen the results of physical abuse on a woman and has this talk with her pop who is the picture perfect cliché of a low-life scumbag. He just sits there on the couch like a bump on a log while Leary gives this long speech about his childhood. It’s a speech that just stuck with me and I loved because of its delivery and its rather innocuous beginning that leads to the lesson he’s trying to get across. I think everybody’s wanted to sit someone down and deliver a speech as threatening, and yet as calm and cool as this one. There’s not a lot else to say about this except it’s stuck with me.
4. Aunt May (Rosemary Harris), Spider-Man 2 (2004), Everybody Loves A Hero
“He knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they’ll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there’s a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.”
At this moment in time I felt like the most sad, pathetic geek in the world. I’m watching a film about a kid who got bit by a radioactive spider and his aunt is making me choke up. No point in lying — this speech was just touching. We all have our heroes. Family members, friends, people we have met once in our life or for some people maybe they are just fictional characters whose ideals we admire. I think the geek part of me required at least some superhero movie get on this list, and no speech or monologue has had the power of Aunt May’s. Though, I was a hair close to adding Thomas Jane’s “Si Vic Pacem, Para Bellum” speech from The Punisher.
3. Det. Remy Bessant (Ed Harris), Gone, Baby, Gone (2007), Pick A Side
“I planted evidence on a guy once, back in ’95. We were paying $100 an eight-ball to snitches. We got a call from our pal, Ray Likanski. He couldn’t find enough guys to rat out. Anyway, he tells us there’s a guy pumping up in an apartment up in Columbia Point. We go in, me and Nicky. Fifteen years ago, when Nicky went in, it was no joke. So it’s a… it’s a stash house, right? The old lady’s beat to shit, the husband’s mean, cracked out, trying to give us trouble, Nicky lays him down. We’re doing an inventory, but it looks like we messed up because there’s no dope in the house, and I go in the back room. Now, this place was a shithole, mind you? Rats, roaches, all over the place. But the kid’s room, in the back, was spotless. No, I mean, he swept it, mopped it; it was immaculate. The little boy’s sitting on the bed, holding onto his playstation for dear life. There’s no expression on his face, tears streaming down. He wants to tell me he just learned his multiplication tables.” (Christ.) “I mean, the father’s got him in this crack den, subsisting on twinkies and ass-whippings, and this little boy just wants someone to tell him that he’s doing a good job. You’re worried what’s Catholic? I mean, kids forgive. Kids don’t judge. Kids turn the other cheek. What do they get for it? So I went back out there, I put an ounce of heroin on the living room floor, and I sent the father on a ride, seven to life.” (That’s was the right thing?) “Fucking A! You gotta take a side. You molest a child, you beat a child, you’re not on my side. If you see me coming, you better run, because I am gonna lay you the fuck down! Easy.” (Don’t feel easy.) “Is the kid better off without his father? Yeah. But okay, I mean, could be out there right now pumping with a gun in his waistband. It’s a war, man. Are we winning? No.”
I want to believe there are shades of gray in this world because I’m told not seeing it that way is stubborn and close-minded. There are areas where I cannot help but see things as black-and-white, and Ed Harris’ conversation with Casey Affleck’s character is a prime example of having those feelings tested. What Bressant did is illegal and to some people completely wrong and immoral. I don’t see it that way. A child is involved and children are my weakness, especially after the births of my niece and nephew. There is such power and finality in his words, and I can’t help but agree. ‘You molested a child, you beat a child, you’re not on my side. If you see me coming, you better run, because I am gonna lay you the fuck down! Easy.’ Exactly. Black-and-white. No room for law. It’s just easy.
2. Holden (Ben Affleck), Chasing Amy (1997), I Love You
“I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t-I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, ’cause I’ve never felt this way before, and I-I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there’s a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just – you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. “
This is the quintessential unrequited love speech put in words better than I ever managed to muster. I think everybody’s been in this situation at least once in their lives. Maybe the person you loved wasn’t gay, but the rest still stands. It’s a speech I can connect with and as always Kevin Smith’s dialogue is just fantastic. Every fan of his knows dialogue is his strong point and it just shines here. It’s nothing but pure emotion and putting everything out there, and as we all know, it rarely works and it’s normally just utterly heartbreaking. We’ve all been here, and some of us probably will be here again.
1. Azrael (Jason Lee), Dogma (1999), Evil Is An Abstract
“Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that Hell was once nothing more than the absence of God? And if you’d ever been in his presence, then you’d realize that’s punishment enough. But then your kind came and made it so. Much. Worse.” (Humans aren’t capable of one-hundredth the evil that a shitbag demon like you is.) “Evil … IS AN ABSTRACT! It’s a HUMAN construct! But true to his irresponsible nature man won’t own up to being its engineer so he blames his dark deeds on MY ilk. But it’s not enough to shadow his own existence – no. He turned Hell into a suffering pit. And why? Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No. You choose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a fallace belief that God cannot forgive your grievous offenses. So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell where the horrid imaginations of so many gluttons for punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first time one of your kind arrived there BEGGING to be punished. And in doing so they have transformed the cold and solitude to pain and misery. I’ve spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned – I KNOW what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING. I’d rather not exist than go back to that.”
Yes, another Kevin Smith film. This speech comes from a deleted scene actually and it’s a shame that it was cut. It is actually a powerful and thought-provoking speech on mankind’s own guilt. A lot of what he’s saying is technically correct by biblical standpoints, but that’s not even the main thing about this. It really just speaks about man’s own perception of themselves and our very rash minds. We judge ourselves harsher than any other critic and — unless you’re a sociopath — often feel like we deserve worse than we do. We throw around terms like forever and infinite like they don’t mean forever and infinite. This speech is just all kinds of awesome and I often quote it when discussing religion or just the human condition. Once again, Kevin Smith is just the man.
Honorable Mentions: Jules Winnfield’s (Samuel L. Jackson) Shepherd speech in Pulp Fiction; John Milton’s (Al Pacino) speech denouncing God in Devil’s Advocate, Alvy’s (Woody Allen) closing thoughts on relationships in Annie Hall … and too many others to mention.
Chainsaw Cheerleader’s List
5. V for Vendetta (2006)
One of my favorite graphic novels by Alan Moore is V for Vendetta. Granted the movie version of V for Vendetta can never be compared to the graphic novel, it is one of the better Alan Moore adaptations. V for Vendetta fared far better than other graphic novels from Alan Moore, such as The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and From Hell. I think the problem with Alan Moore’s work is that it is so detailed, well thought out, and deep that most directors would have a difficult time doing any of his work justice. Knowing this it feels like this may have been the best that James McTeigue could have done with his directing of the film. Some works of art are often better read aloud then seen on a screen. That being said, I actually really like the film and watch it every time it is on television. V for Vendetta has many moments of speech that could be dubbed as one’s favorite. One scene that sticks out for me is when Evey Hammond is about to be raped by three police agents and V comes to her rescue. Upon introducing himself, he gives a speech that lays bare his character for the world to see while doing so with over 40 different words starting with the letter V.
“Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.” -V
4. National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)
If you have ever spent long periods of time confined to one space with your family you can completely understand why and how Clark Griswold would break down. After a few mishaps and several days in a car with his entire family as they head to a fun park, Griswold unleashes upon his family a very funny speech, that is only amplified by the genius that is Chevy Chase. The Griswold family vacation movies have become some of my favorite movies and Clark’s break down is highly relatable to any person who has spent more time than they should have with their family.
“I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fuckin’ fun park and you want to bail out! Well, I’ll tell you somethin’. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fuckin’ fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our god-damn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes! Ha, ha, ha. I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!” – Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold
3. The Dark Knight (2008)
It is really no surprise that The Dark Knight is included in this list. Heath Ledger stole the show as The Joker and for good reason. To pick one speech/monologue by Ledger is difficult. It would be easier to say that everything that The Joker said in the film should be placed in this slot and that is by no means untrue. I cannot really pick one moment out of all his dialog as to which speech was better than the other. The reason being is that everything The Joker said made so much sense. Even as the bad guy of the film, he was difficult to disagree with. He was relatable. Each one of us has had a moment were we wish we could push a side reason and act out regardless of the consequences. Every bit of The Jokers dialog embraces this notion and Ledger adds such passion to each word.
2.Soylent Green (1973)
On a personal level, I have never liked Charlton Heston but aside from that the man was a great actor. I loved him in The Planet of the Apes and the fictional story, The Ten Commandments. The one movie that is a favorite of mine is Soylent Green. Not only is it my favorite Heston movie but it is one of my favorite sci-fi films. Heston plays Detective Thorn, a cop who begins to unravel a state secret which could potentially be the final straw that could push the already angry New York citizens over the edge. Fearing a revolt, the government orders the death of Detective Thorn. Soylent Green takes place in the future where Earth is so overpopulated that the government must find other means to feed its people. At the end of the film, Thorn uncovers the truth and finds out just what soylent green is. To give details of the speech would be to give away the ending of the movie. All one can really say is that it has become a pop culture quote that is utter by a majority of movie nerds.
1. The Great Dictator (1940)
The Great Dictator is Charlie Chaplin’s most well known and most loved talkie. There is a very good reason for this. The film is a satire of Adolf Hitler and a declaration of Chaplin’s open defiance against Nazism. Chaplin plays two roles in the film. One is of a Jewish barber who is prosecuted by the Nazis for his beliefs and the second is an Adolf Hitler type character (Hynkel, the dictator of Tomania). Toward the end of the film, Chaplin’s character Hynkel gives a stirring speech about how human beings are generally good but when dictators impose their beliefs onto the people, the people are enslaved by those beliefs. It is a beautiful speech. It’s message is universal and timeless. They are words that can be applied to any time and any war. Not only is it well written but you can clearly see that Chaplin means it. It is spoken from the heart.
“Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.” – a short excerpt from the speech given by Charlie Chaplin as Hynkel
Let me just get this right out there – I’m cheating this round. There is more than five here. They won’t be numbered or in any sort of order. I will take a lot of flak for not cutting down to five like everyone, but I don’t care and will not conform. I’m a rebel, Dottie. A loner. I edited this down enough as it is. All of these are iconic to me and they’ll all be presented.
There Will Be Blood – THERE WILL ALSO BE SPOILERS!!
A strong argument can be made that Daniel Day-Lewis is our greatest living actor and by extrapolation, he can probably take even the crappiest dialogue and turn it into gold. So, guess what he does with great dialogue. The final moments of There Will Be Blood is the brilliant punctuation to a genius film and maybe Lewis’ finest moment on screen. The infamous I drink your milkshake speech is multilayered, summing up the film, it’s themes and the character of Daniel Plainview himself. Unfortunately I couldn’t embed, so click the link to watch Daniel Day-Lewis in all his glory.
“Those areas, they’ve been drilled…Yes, it’s called drainage, Eli. See, I own everything around it, so, of course, I get what’s underneath it…Do you understand, Eli? That’s more to the point. Do you understand? I drink your water. I drink it up every day. I drink the blood of Lamb from Bandy’s tract…Because you’re not the chosen brother, Eli. ‘Twas Paul who was chosen. He found me and told me about your land. You’re just a fool…I did what your brother couldn’t…I broke you and beat you. It was Paul told me about you. He’s the prophet. He’s the smart one. He knew what was there and he found me to take it out of the ground. Know what the funny thing is? Listen, listen, listen. I paid him $10,000 cash in hand. Just like that. He has his own company now. Prosperous little business. Three wells producing, $5,000 a week. Stop crying, you sniveling ass. Stop your nonsense. You’re just the afterbirth, Eli…that slithered out on your mother’s filth…They should have put you in a glass jar on the mantelpiece. Where were you when Paul was suckling at his mother’s teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli? One of Bandy’s sows? That land has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It’s gone. It’s had. You lose….Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy. Drained dry. I’m so sorry. Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that’s the straw, you see? (He holds his finger up) Watch it. (He walks back a few steps) Now my straw reaches acroo-oo- oo-oss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake. I… drink… your… milkshake! (slurping sound) I drink it up!”) When Eli responded: “Don’t bully me, Daniel!”, Daniel threw him down the bowling alley, while shouting after him: (“Did you think your song and dance and your superstition would help you, Eli? I am the Third Revelation! I am who the Lord has chosen. Because I’m smarter than you. I’m older…I’m not a false prophet, you sniveling boy! I am the Third Revelation! I am the Third Revelation! I told you I would eat you…I told you I would eat you up!”
This my favorite film. Period. There are two monologues that I would list from this film as my all time favorites. One, however, is not going to be on this list. Partially because it borders more on narration than actual monologue and partially because it would be a spoiler and you can’t really get the emotional impact of it when taken out of context. I will present you with Ed Norton’s angry, painful rant against the life that he’s leaving behind. It also serves as Spike Lee’s toxic love letter to his beloved New York City after 9/11. It’s just one of many scenes that never fails to move me.
Glengarry Glenn Ross
David Mamet’s finest script. Alec Baldwin’s greatest ten minutes on screen. What more needs to be said?
“Let’s talk about something important!…Do you think I’m fuckin’ with you? I am not fuckin’ with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Mitch and Murray. And I’m here on a mission of mercy…The bad news is you’ve got, all of you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize’s a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit. Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it ’cause you are going out!…And your name is ‘you’re wanting.’ And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t close them, then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fucking faggots? A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention: do I have your attention? Interest: are you interested? I know you are ’cause it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision: have you made your decision for Christ?! And action. A-I-D-A. Get out there! You got the prospects comin’ in. You think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy doesn’t walk on the lot unless he wants to buy. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?… And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! — go home and play with your kids!! You wanna work here? Close!! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this — how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate. Go and do likewise, gents. The money’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t — I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close. Close! It’s yours. If not, you’re gonna be shinin’ my shoes. And you know what you’ll be sayin’, a bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: “Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it’s a tough racket.” (He displays a large stack of red index cards tied together with string) These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they’re gold, and you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal: ‘Why am I here?’ I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.”
The video is going to give you two great monologues for the price of one. Christopher Walken’s pantomime speech is great, but Dennis Hopper’s response about Sicilians is a gem. Some people will see this as Tarantino’s racism seeping out again, but that’s missing the point. This is a desperate man facing his own mortality and choosing to sacrifice his own life in order to protect his son. It’s a great performance from Hopper and the chemistry between him and Walken, as well as the ad-libbing that went on, makes this scene crackle.
“You’re Sicilian, huh?…Ya know, I read a lot. Especially about things, about history. I find that shit fascinating. Here’s a fact I don’t know whether you know or not. Sicilians were spawned by niggers… It’s a fact. Yeah, you see, uh, Sicilians have black blood pumpin’ through their hearts. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, you see, the Moors conquered Sicily. And the Moors are niggers. You see, way back then, Sicilians were like wops in northern Italy. They all had blonde hair and blue eyes. But, uh, well, then the Moors moved in there, well, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin’ with Sicilian women, huh, that they changed the whole blood-line forever. That’s why blonde hair and blue eyes became black hair and dark skin. You know, it’s absolutely amazing to me to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, that uh, that Sicilians still carry that nigger gene… I’m quotin’ history. It’s written. It’s a fact. It’s written…Your ancestors are niggers…Hey, yeah, and, and your great, great, great, great grandmother fucked a nigger, yeah, and she had a half-nigger kid. Now, if that’s a fact, now tell me, am I lying? ‘Cause you, you’re part eggplant.”
I think it’s possible that I could turn this into a list of just Ed Norton and Alec Baldwin quotes if I really wanted to, so there’s no way this gets left out. Malice was a mediocre movie, but this is a great piece of dialogue and Baldwin sells the hell out of it. Another great performance from one of my favorite actors.
‘Do I have a ‘God Complex’?…which makes me wonder if this lawyer has any idea as to the kind of grades one has to receive in college to be accepted at a top medical school. Or if you have the vaguest clue as to how talented someone has to be to lead a surgical team. I have an M.D. from Harvard. I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery. I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England. And I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you, when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn’t miscarry, or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death, or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trauma from post-operative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Now, you go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church – and with any luck you might win the annual raffle. But if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17th, and he doesn’t like to be second-guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex? Let me tell you something: I Am God – and this side show is over.”
Most people would go right for the Samuel L. Jackson’s Ezekial 25:17 speech and I can’t fault them for it. For me though, the gold in this film is Christopher Walken presenting the gold watch to young Butch. The speech is at once both powerful and absolutely ridiculous and Walken plays it perfectly down the middle. It’s part moving tribute to a brave soldier and part parody of every speech like this in movie history.
“This watch I got here was first purchased by your great-grandfather during the first World War. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee, made by the first company to ever make wrist watches. Up til then, people just carried pocket watches. It was bought by private doughboy Erine Coolidge on the day he set sail for Paris. This was your great-grandfather’s war watch and he wore it everyday he was in that war. When he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took the watch off, put it in an old coffee can, and in that can it stayed ’til your granddad Dane Coolidge was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Germans once again. This time they called it World War II. Your great-grandfather gave this watch to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Dane’s luck wasn’t as good as his old man’s. Dane was a Marine and he was killed — along with all the other Marines at the battle of Wake Island. Your granddad was facing death, he knew it. None of those boys had any illusions about ever leavin’ that island alive. So three days before the Japanese took the island, your granddad asked a gunner on an Air Force transport name of Winocki, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son he’d never seen in the flesh, his gold watch. Three days later, your granddad was dead. But Winocki kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad’s gold watch. This watch. (He holds the watch up – and pauses) This watch was on your Daddy’s wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. And he knew that if the gooks ever saw the watch, they would confiscate it and take it away. The way your Dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: in his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then, he died of dysentery. He gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.”
Yep, this is almost cliché at this point. Kevin Costner’s I Believe speech from Bull Durham has been requoted and reposted ad nauseum since the film’s original release. Everyone knows this monologue. Hell, most people probably know it almost word for word. Still, no matter how many times you’ve heard it, how outdated it may seem now or how cheesy some people try to make it out, it still just works in its simplicity and the way Costner delivers it. I’m with Susan Sarandon. I’d bang him too. Bonus Points – Susan Sarandon’s narration that opens the film sums up the passion of every baseball fan.
“Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
In a perfect world, Jeff Bridges is our President. That’s all I need to say.
(“Thank you. Napoleon once said when asked to explain the lack of great statesmen in the world, that ‘to get power, you need to display absolute pettiness, to exercise power, you need to show true greatness.’ Such pettiness and such greatness are rarely found in one person. I look upon the events of the past weeks and I’ve never come so to grips with that quotation. For ladies and gentlemen of this Congress, it pains my soul to tell you that you have brought blood and shame under this great dome. Your leadership has raised the stakes of hate to a level where we can no longer separate the demagogue from the truly inspired. And believe this, there are traitors among us. And I’m not talking about those of you who sided against your party leadership. I’m talking about those of you who were patriots to your party but traitors to the necessary end result, that of righteousness, the truth, the concept of making the American dream blind to gender. And you know, I am not free of blame. Right from the start, I should have come down here, pointed a finger your way – pointed a finger your way, and asked you, ‘Have you no decency, sir?’ Yesterday, I met Mr. Runyon, you may walk out on me, you may walk out on this body, but you cannot walk out on the will of the American people. Americans are a good people. They’re a just people, Mr. Runyon, and they will forgive you, but they will not forget. Hate and ego have no place residing in what my good friend Laine Hanson calls the ‘chapel of democracy.’ So, let me make one thing clear. You come at us with whatever weapons that you have in your arsenal, but there is no weapon as powerful as that of an idea whose time has come. A woman will serve in the highest level of the Executive – simple as that! Yesterday, I spoke with Laine Hanson. I told her that she could decide her own destiny, if she wanted to continue her fight for confirmation – that I would stand beside her. She has asked me to allow her to step aside. She told me that she wanted my administration to end on a note of triumph and not controversy. Understand, those of you who worked to bring Laine Hanson down, that she asked to have her name withdrawn from consideration – not because she isn’t great, but because she isn’t petty, because those two conflicting leadership traits could not live as one within her body or her soul. Greatness: it comes in many forms. Sometimes, it comes in the form of sacrifice. That’s the loneliest form. Now it turns out that Laine Hanson is a woman, an American of devout principle and she has inspired me to act alike, and I cannot accept Senator Hanson’s withdrawal. And I’m now calling for an immediate vote of confirmation of Laine Hanson. And Mr. Speaker, I would like to make this a live roll call. I want to see the faces of those of you who would eliminate the possibility of greatness in American leadership because of half-truths, lies, and innuendoes. I will not be deterred by partisanship. I will not be deterred by misogyny. I will not be deterred by hate. You have now come face-to-face with my will. Confirm my nominee, heal this nation, and let the American people explode into this new millennium with the exhilaration of being true to the glory of this democracy. Thank you.”
What do you do when practically the entire movie is a monologue? I know at that point, it’s “narration”, but fuck it. Fight Club is just about the only movie I can just LISTEN to and be completely fascinated. The first half hour of Casino is flawless narration. I know neither of these fit strictly in the criteria, but they bore mentioning.
5.) INDEPENDANCE DAY
Okay, don’t get it twisted. I’m not saying this is a great film. It’s big budget, popcorn cheese. In fact, most of it is pretty shitty. However, the scene before the big air battle with the aliens, where the President Of The United States himself climbs onto the back of the truck to address the “troops”, which are regular old civilians, got me. Maybe it’s because I’m a fan of revolution type stories, where ordinary people have to band together, get up off their asses and fight against overwhelming odds. I can’t wait for the day we’re invaded by aliens or zombies or ninjas or Luxembourg, I wanna be the Rage Against The Machine fist in the air cover photo guy. Anyway, back to the film. Bill Pullman is pretty much a one note actor in most stuff he’s on, but he hits the note perfectly in this scene and amidst the swelling orchestral movement, I defy you to not want to pump a fist when he barks out “This is our Independance Day!”.
I feel bad putting this on the list. Everyone loves this movie and I hate being the same as everyone, but sometimes it’s harder to fight than to just agree. Braveheart is a GREAT movie, watchable from beginning to end, despite a lengthy run time. There’s a lot of great moments, but the “They’ll never take our freedom” speech that William Wallace delivers to the Scots before marching them out to die against the British is an awesome fucking moment. Not only does Mel Gibson have a commanding presence, where you can see how he’s such an effective leader of men, at times he also looks goddamned feral. I’ll be pretty surprised if this doesn’t make other people’s lists as well.
3.) INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
Actually, there’s a few scenes in this film that could qualify. The opening scene, with Colonel Hans Landa talking to the farmer in his quaint little farmhouse, with Jews scampering underneath the floorboards is a good one. So is the scene where Landa sits with Melanie Laurent’s character in a restaraunt, nibbling on danish. And while Laurent gets some lines here and there, make no mistake, that IS a monologue. Tarantino can sometimes fall in love with his own diaogue, and rightfully so, because most of the time, it’s fucking great. That was a criticism of the Landa scenes, that they went on too long. I disagree. I think they were supposed to feel “too long” because that was how dude interrogated people. He talked and talked until they got squirmy and tipped their hand. Regardless though, my favorite monologue in this film is when Brad Pitt is explaining to his recruits just what they’re going to be doing,to the Nazis. It’s fucking classic.
2.) SWIMMING WITH SHARKS
A lot of people have not seen Swimming With Sharks. Those people are missing out. Swimming is awesome, one of my all time favorites and like my next choice, is pretty much driven entirely by dialogue. Kevin Spacey is firing on all cylinders as Buddy Ackerman. I believe that Jeremy Piven’s portrayal of Ari Gold on Entourage borrowed a lot initially from this performance. Swimming is basically a Spacey tour de force and there’s a lot of moments that could be eligible for best monologue. I’d have to go with the “way it goes” speech. Even though it’s the “a-ha” moment where the film reveals for a few seconds why Ackerman is such a cocksucking prick, it’s also the best scene. The film was based on writer George Huang’s experience in the movie business. He was a one hit wonder though. After this, he’s done nothing of siginificance, but that one hit? Killer. On a sidenote, I miss Kevin Spacey. Enough with the theatre dude. Do some flicks again.
1.) GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
Alec Baldwin’s scene. That’s it. No further explanation needed. It’s legendary.
Super Carnita’s List
5 – Bogart – The Maltese Falcon (1941)
Sam Spade: I hope they don’t hang you, precious, by that sweet neck. Yes, angel, I’m gonna send you over. The chances are you’ll get off with life. That means if you’re a good girl, you’ll be out in 20 years. I’ll be waiting for you. If they hang you, I’ll always remember you.
Short but sweet. Love this movie, love this scene.
4 – Jeff Anderson – Clerks (1994)
Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I’m not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I’m the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. “I’m not even supposed to be here today.”
[throws stuff at Dante]
Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You’re here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn’t here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what’s basically a monkey’s job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You’re so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay’s got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we’re so advanced. Well, if we’re so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
Moses couldn’t have said it better.
3 – Steve Martin – Roxanne (1987)
C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than “Big Nose”] Let’s start with… Obvious: ‘scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she’s going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like… Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it’s not the size of a nose that’s important, it’s what’s IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it’s goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I’m Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He’s got…
Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose!
C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I’d hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?
Dean: Fourteen, Chief!
C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth… and He just kept on giving, didn’t He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee… in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.
[he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on]
C.D. Bales: All right. Dirty: your name wouldn’t be Dick, would it?
Timing. Delivery. Comedy gold. Steve Martin owns this scene. This great scene gets lost in a great movie. Steve Martin is comedy Jesus.
2 – Edward Norton – The 25th Hour (2002)
[Monty standing in the men’s bathroom, talking to himself in a mirror with “FUCK YOU!” written on it]
Monty Brogan: Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck *me*? Fuck *you*, Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car – get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped-up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin’ and dealin’ and schemin’. Go back where you fucking came from! Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn’t know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom! Fuck the Puerto Ricans. Twenty to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin’ parade in the city. And don’t even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, ’cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their Jason Giambi Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for “The Sopranos.” Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermès scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You’re not fooling anybody, sweetheart! Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don’t want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on! Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus-violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child’s pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you’re at it, fuck J.C.! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin’ Otisville, J.! Fuck Osama Bin Laden, al-Qaeda, and backward-ass cave-dwelling fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel-headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! Fuck Jacob Elinsky. Whining malcontent. Fuck Francis Xavier Slaughtery my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend’s ass. Fuck Naturelle Riviera, I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, fucking bitch. Fuck my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar sipping on club sodas, selling whisky to firemen, and cheering the Bronx Bombers. Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park Slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.
Monty Brogan: No. No, fuck you, Montgomery Brogan. You had it all, and you threw it away, you *dumb* *fuck*!
I mean c’mon. How fucking great and sad and honest is this shit? It would be number one if it weren’t for….
1 – 1 – Alec Baldwin – Glengarry Glenn Ross
Blake: You’re talking about what.You’re talking about… Bitching about that sale you shot, some sonofabitch who don’t wanna buy land, some broad you’re trying to screw, so forth. Let’s talk about something important. They all here?
Williamson: All but one.
Blake: I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. Put. That coffee. Down. Coffee’s for closers only. You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Mitch and Murray. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levine? You call yourself a salesman you son of a bitch?
Dave Moss: I don’t gotta sit here and listen to this shit.
Blake: You certainly don’t pal, ’cause the good news is – you’re fired. The bad news is – you’ve got, all of you’ve got just one week to regain your jobs starting with tonight. Starting with tonight’s sit. Oh? Have I got your attention now? Good. “Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anyone wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Get the picture? You laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money, get their names to sell them. you can’t close the leads youre given you can’t close shit. You ARE shit. Hit the bricks pal, and beat it ’cause you are going OUT.
Shelley Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: The leads are weak? Fucking leads are weak. You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years…
Dave Moss: What’s your name?
Blake: Fuck you. That’s my name. You know why, mister? You drove a Hyundai to get here. I drove an eighty-thousand dollar BMW. THAT’S my name. And your name is you’re wanting. You can’t play in the man’s game, you can’t close them – go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me you fucking faggots? A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing. ALWAYS BE CLOSING. A-I-D-A. Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Attention – Do I have you attention? Interest – Are you interested? I know you are, because it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks. Decision – Have you made your decision, for Christ? And Action. A-I-D-A. Get out there – you got the prospects coming in. You think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don’t walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? What’s the problem, pal?
Dave Moss: You – Moss. You’re such a hero, you’re so rich, how come you’re coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?
Blake: You see this watch? You see this watch?
Dave Moss: Yeah.
Blake: That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much’d you make? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here – close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don’t like it, leave. _I_ can go out there tonight with the materials you’ve got and make myself $15,000. Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can YOU? Go and do likewise. A-I-D-A. Get mad you son of a bitches. get mad. You want to know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes BRASS BALLS to sell real estate. Go and do likewise gents. Money’s out there. You pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, CLOSE. It’s yours. If not you’re gonna be shining my shoes. And you know what you’ll be saying – a bunch of losers sittin’ around in a bar. ‘Oh yeah. I used to be a salesman. It’s a tough racket.’ These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you they’re gold, and you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer you question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.
There’s just no way i couldn’t include this. They used to say this was the best 10 minutes of Alec Baldwin’s career. I’m not so sure that’s true anymore. But it’s great…there is no doubt. Beyond great.
Dub Cee’s List
1. Good Will Hunting (1997) – Robin Williams as Sean Maguire
“I see a cocky, scared shitless kid.”
This speech is that much better if you know the set up. This is Williams just flat out giving a verbal pimp slap to Matt Damon’s character. His character is beyond pissed off but the way Williams delivers these lines is perfect. You want top notch dramatic acting…here you go.
2. Braveheart (1995) – Mel Gibson as William Wallace
“Sons of Scotland…”
Really, do I need to explain this? If you have seen this film, you know how amazing it is and just how great this speech is. Yes, it has been panned and mocked but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. This speech just really captures so many moments in history and is just well done by Mr. Gibson
3. Snatch (2000) – Vinnie Jones as Bullet-Tooth Tony
“You’re the big dick.”
Yea, Jones ain’t a great actor but this speech is great. Just oozes pure bad ass. I put this here over Sam Jackson’s Pulp Fiction speech because, honestly, I just like it more. He is making it up as opposed to quoting the Bible. Good stuff.
4. Scent of a Woman (1992) – Al Pacino as Lt. Col. Frank Slade
“This is such a crock of shit!”
Pacino has often times been accused of overacting in some of his later films. He goes a little overboard here but it fits this scene so well. And he is the kicker, I have never seen the entire movie. This speech, without knowing a damn thing about the characters, still kicked me in the ass.
5. 25th Hour (2002) – Edward Norton as Monty Brogan
Another movie I have not seen. Still, something about this speech is just so interesting. It is offensive and should come across as psychotic but instead it feels more like a character just unloading all this hate off his chest. Of course, I could be wrong as I am seeing this out of context but, hey, I like what I see.
Pride of the Yankees (1942) — Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig
Mississippi Burning (1998) — Gene Hackman as Agt. Rupert Andersen
Pulp Fiction (1994) — Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield
Patton (1970) — George C. Scott as Gen. George S. Patton
Good Will Hunting (1997) — Matt Damon as Will Hunting
Tigris Rose’s List
It was very hard to choose what speeches I like the most. There are so many to choose from, but I had to. I choose to put a sentence or two before or in it to give it clarity, some people may not remember where they are in the movie.
5.) Braveheart (1995)
William Wallace: And if this is your army, why does it go?
Veteran: We didn’t come here to fight for them!
Young Soldier: Home! The English are too many!
William Wallace: Sons of Scotland! I am William Wallace.
Young Soldier: William Wallace is seven feet tall!
William Wallace: Yes, I’ve heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he’d consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.
[Scottish army laughs]
William Wallace: I *am* William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny. You’ve come to fight as free men… and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?
Veteran: Fight? Against that? No! We will run. And we will live.
William Wallace: Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!
4.) Dogma (1996):
Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don’t even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He’s shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you… once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN? IT’S NOT RIGHT, IT’S NOT FAIR. We’ve paid our debt. Don’t you think it’s time? Don’t you think its time we went home? and to do that, I think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers.
3.) The Great Dictator (1940):
A Jewish Barber: I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible; Jew, Gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone, and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost. The airplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men; cries out for universal brotherhood; for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women, and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say, do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. Soldiers! Don’t give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you, enslave you; who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel! Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines, you are not cattle, you are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate; the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! In the seventeenth chapter of St. Luke, it is written that the kingdom of God is within man, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy, let us use that power. Let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfill that promise. They never will! Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfill that promise. Let us fight to free the world! To do away with national barriers! To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance! Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us all unite! Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up Hannah! The clouds are lifting! The sun is breaking through! We are coming out of the darkness into the light! We are coming into a new world; a kindlier world, where men will rise above their hate, their greed, and brutality. Look up, Hannah! The soul of man has been given wings and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow! Into the light of hope, into the future! The glorious future, that belongs to you, to me and to all of us. Look up, Hannah. Look up!
2.) Casablanca (1942)- Here’s Looking at you Kid
Ilsa: But what about us?
Rick: We’ll always have Paris. We didn’t have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.
Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.
Rick: And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.
[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]
Rick: Now, now…
[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]
Rick: Here’s looking at you kid.
1.) V for Vendetta (2006)
V: [Evey pulls out her mace] I can assure you I mean you no harm.
Evey Hammond: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I’m not questioning your powers of observation I’m merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey Hammond: Oh. Right.
V: But on this most auspicious of nights, permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
[carves V into poster on wall]
V: The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
V: Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)- Bilbo’s Birthday Speech
Hobbits: “Speech, Bilbo! Speech!”
Bilbo: “My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and Proudfoots.” [cheers]
Old Proudfoot Hobbit: “Proudfeet!”
[Hobbits laugh. Bilbo waves dismissively.]
Bilbo: “Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!”
Hobbits: “Happy birthday!”
Hobbit: “Happy birthday!”
Bilbo: “Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits.” [cheers abound.] “I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
[There is a dead silence from the crowd. They gaze at each other blank-faced, trying to figure out if they were just insulted. Gandalf smiles.]
Bilbo: “I, uh, I h-have things to do.” [fidgets with the Ring behind his back. Whispers to himself] “I’ve put this off for far too long. [to the crowd] “I regret to announce — this is The End. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell.” [whispers to Frodo] “Goodbye.”
The Princess Bride (1987):
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…
The Replacements (2000):
Jimmy McGinty: When the Washington Sentinels left the stadium that date, there was no tickertape parade, no endorsement deals for sneakers or soda pop, or breakfast cereal. Just a locker to be cleaned out, and a ride home to catch. But what they didn’t know, was that their lives had been changed forever because they had been part of something great. And greatness, no matter how brief, stays with a man. Every athlete dreams of a second chance, these men lived it.
Top 5 Films That You’re Thankful For
5. Robin Hood: Men In Tights/Surf Ninjas (Tie)
I cannot emotionally and mentally separate these two very different films from my life. As a kid I had a VHS with these two movies back-to-back on it and I’ve watched both of them more times than I can count. Mel Brooks’ Men In Tights is hysterical and while Surf Ninjas might get booed by a lot of people, I still find it as funny as I did when I was a kid. Maybe it’s my nostalgic connection to it, but whatever the case, I love it. Yes, that’s Rob Schneider as a teenager in it … and yes, I think he’s funnier then than he is now. I’ve shown both of these movies to my close friends and every once in a while me and my best friend will watch them back-to-back. These movies have been the cause of many good times.
4. Battle Royale
As a filmmaker and student of film, you need to learn to appreciate foreign cinema. Yes, it’s subtitled and you have to read, which … come on, as a kid you weren’t lazy and refused to read your movies? Battle Royale was the first film to really get me into foreign cinema, specifically Asian cinema for a long time. While Oldboy is one of my favorite films and almost took Royale’s spot, I probably would have never given Oldboy a chance unless I had watched this film first. It’s dark, violent, and entertaining but I’m thankful for the world it opened to me.
Brick is a neo film-noir set around high school students. The catch is this: the movie plays out like a hardboiled detective story with authentic dialogue and high school analogs for film noir clichés. It’s absolutely brilliant and to this day a movie I hold in high regard when it comes to writing. Any time to set out a script I want to try and mix genres that haven’t been toyed with before because even though everything’s been done before, Brick gave me hope that there’s still fresh concepts out there. Those fresh concepts might lie in mixing things that have never been mixed before. I’ve yet to come up with something … but Brick’s set the standard for me.
2. The Rocky Series
Another cheat, but listen … it’s Rocky. I’ve been a fat kid all my life and only at the start of the year did I drop a proverbial ass load of weight and start hitting the gym. While I’ve still got a ways to go, I’m capable of doing things that I never thought I would be able to do before. The story of Rocky became something of an inside joke with Guillaume, but also an inspiration. It’s an inspiring story and even though he called me Rocky and I called him Apollo as a joke, it still served as some sort of inspiration to improve myself. Stallone never used steroids. LA LA LA LA … I can’t hear you.
1. Batman (1989)
And at the heart of who I am … I am a geek. I grew up a geek, specifically a comic book/superhero geek and I owe a lot to the original Batman. It was dark, awe-inspiring, and the first time I had seen one of my heroes brought to life. It’s also paved the way for generations of comic book adaptations which I am an absolute whore for. It’s who I am. Batman might not have been the sole guiding force behind who I am, but it helped … and I fucking love being a geek. Hell yeah.
Chainsaw Cheerleader’s List
5.) Predator (1987)
I was four years old the first time I saw Predator. It scared the living hell out of me. Of course I was just four at the time and skinned corpses will do that to a child but it was my first exposure to films of that nature. I really am grateful for being exposed to such graphic movies at such a young age, as odd as that may sound. I think growing up watching these films helped me better understand the difference between reality violence and television violence. I now have a very healthy respect for violence and am a very non-violent person.
4.)The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
Seeing The Rocky Horror Picture Show live has somehow turned into a tradition in my family. When I was thirteen years old, my mother and uncle took me to see it. It was glorious. I had never willingly seen a musical before and The Rocky Horror Picture Show completely took away any reservations I had about them. The Rocky Horror Picture Show proved there were more interesting musicals to be found and that not all musicals were as awful as The Sound of Music. After embracing The Rocky Horror Picture show, I fell in love with theater.
3.) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
One time over dinner my father told me about the last horror movie my mother ever watched. The two of them had gone out to a movie theater and watched Last House on the Left in the 70’s. Knowing that this film was the very last horror movie my mother ever watched just pushed me harder to try to find it. One night my father picked up the movie and brought it home, mistaking The Texas Chainsaw Massacre for LHOTL. I have no idea how he made this mistake but we spent that night staying up late, watching TTCM, eating chocolate ice cream, and I turned into a rabid fan of 70’s horror films.
2.) Spaceballs (1987)
Spaceballs was the first adult comedy that made me laugh and my first introduction to Mel Brooks. I was very young the first time I saw Spaceballs. I didn’t really understand what was really going on but I liked it. I have seen it a million times since then and it still makes me laugh. Mel Brooks is most likely my favorite comedian who is a actor/writer/producer.
1.) The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
Science Fiction is a movie genre that I have fallen madly and deeply in love with. I hadn’t truly explored sci-fi movies of the 1950’s until I saw the original version of The Day the Earth Stood Still. The 1950’s were a different time for sci-fi. Many of the subjects of sci-fi films reflected the fears of the time. One fear was nuclear weapons. This fear gave us giant radioactive monsters and apocalyptic scenarios. The Day the Earth Stood Still opened the door for me to find these films. For example, one of my favorite 1950’s sci-fi films is entitled Them!, which is about giant radioactive ants. As silly as it sounds, the movie is great.
Tigris Rose’s List
5.) “Lilo and Stitch” (2002): I love this movie. And I am thankful for it because it started an amazing funny franchise. It spawned 3 additional movies and a great T.V. series. It is also thankful, because its great for children of all ages. Not just kids. So adults don’t have to be so… “Oh no, I can’t like that it’s a kids movie.” But everyone should love this movie!
4.) “The A-Team” (2010): Yes, this is one of the cheesiest movies/TV shows ever. But this was my favorite T.V. growing up and I still love it. I was worried when I heard they were making a movie out of it. But I really think that they pulled it off very well. The nostalgia for me was way up there. So I am thankful for the return of one of my favorite shows.
3.) “Pan’s Labyrinth” (2006): I’m so thankful for this movie because it brought back in a way the original fairy tale. Not that sugar coated Disney snuff. It’s very dark the way a Grimm’s story would go, which are my favorite stories. The idea of the story is very good, and the outcome as well. But at the same time very dark and sad. But it’s a great fairy tale!
2.) “The Lord of the rings” (2001,2,3): I have to put these three together. They are in fact the same story they just had to divide it into three movies. But I am thankful for this franchise because I love the books it comes from. One of my favorites. But I thought Peter Jackson did an amazing job bringing this literary classic to life.
1.) “The Princess Bride” (1987): This should be on everyone’s top 25 list somewhere. I loved this movie as a kid and love it still. One thing I really love about it is that it portrays the story through the imagination of a child, instead of making a movie to make a movie. The cast is wonderful, and so funny.
“The Replacements” (2000): This is for my love of sports. Yea it’s a football story but its more funny and deeper than just football. So I am thankful for sports, and a movie about football that just isn’t about the game.
“Passion of the Christ” (2004): The cinematography in this movie is amazing. The story line very powerful. If no one feels anything by watching this movie then they aren’t human. You don’t be religious to like this movie. But it is hard to watch, very graphic.
Dub Cee’s List
5. Aladdin (1992) — First animated movie I can really recall loving and watching so much the VHS (that’s what we used in the early 90’s and 80’s kiddies) was actually worn out. Thanks to this movie I will bitch about things like Finding Nemo and praise movies like The Lion King. Aladdin is not at all accurate to the source material…like anything from Disney ever is. I loved it though.
4. The Longest Day (1962) To be fair any number of these WWII films could have been used here. My father used to love watching these black and whites…most often with the Germans speaking German and the Japanese speaking Japanese thus forcing me to read subtitles as a kid. So for me it was no big deal to watch a black and white like Casablanca or a foreign film like Pan’s Labyrinth.
3. Pirates of Penzance (1983) and 1776 (1972) I know, I know, a tie is a copout but the truth is I am thankful for both these films for much the same reasons. When I was around 8 or 9 my dad introduced me to 1776 partially because of my obsession with American history. I recall liking it but it was a musical so I wasn’t thrilled with it. Then in 7th grade my music teacher Mr. Vogler introduced the glass to this operetta called the Pirates of Penzance. I laughed my ass off. It also reminded me of that musical my father and I watched together. Which I found at the local library and rewatched and fell in love with it.
2. The Crow (1994) Like you guys didn’t know THIS was coming. You probably thought it would be number one but, its not. The Crow is the first movie I watched and was just awestruck by it. I remember just being totally floored by what I had just watched. This movie is mostly to blame for my love of film.
1. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003) The only movie I have ever watched just to score points with a girl. I guess this would count as my wife and I’s first date. So, I musta scored some mega points.
Honorable Mention – Chicago
I love musicals…..in theory. I love the idea of them, but on film and stage, I usually despise them. The songs are too often cheesy, the stories too often flimsy and more often than not they leave me staring more at my watch than the screen. The few musicals that I did love (Popeye, Rocky Horror, Sweeney Todd, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) had too many geek angles for me to latch onto. Chicago was the first true musical to just knock it out of the park for me and reaffirm that I really do love the singing and dancing. Cell Block Tango may be one of the most exciting sequences I’ve seen on film and the songs don’t make me feel like I’m being force-fed sugar. It’s smart and slightly dark and sexy and, thank God, adult.
5) Buffy The Vampire Slayer – I’m not going to lie, I hate the movie itself. But I’m eternally thankful that this was ever made and, by rights, it probably never should have been. Because this movie was made, we were eventually treated to the TV series of Buffy, which is one of the greatest television series to ever air. Which also led to Angel, which was even better. Which also allowed Joss Whedon to get Firefly on the air. Now Joss Whedon will be bringing us the film version of The Avengers, which could be the greatest super hero movie ever. One bad film gave a great storyteller a career and the rest of us hours upon hour or tremendous television.
4) The Killer – One of three real eye openers that all happened to me around the same time as a budding young film nerd. Action films and foreign films were two totally different genres to me at the time and never would the two of them meet. Action films I knew, but they were all just dumb, glossy hollywood crapfests full of explosions and one-liners. Foreign films were something I was discovering and while I liked many of the ones I’d seen, they were usually stuffy and boring and not giving a shit if they pleased me. Then I stumbled upon The Killer and the world was new to me again. Here was an action film that borrowed upon American action clichés, yet turned them upon their head and gave me something artful and dramatic. It also delivered a swift blow of foreign cinema that spoke to me in ways that I understood, yet still had the sort of disconnect from Hollywood pap that I was seeking. My mind was opened to both what foreign and action films could be and how to start accepting new forms of film. I never looked back. God bless John Woo.
3) Reservoir Dogs – It almost feels cliché putting this on the list, but it stands. Reservoir Dogs reawakened me, as well as the rest of the world, to how open the realm of indie films can be. I had become an indie film junkie when this film came out. I couldn’t get enough of them and I generally raised a middle finger to anything that had a budget and a name cast. At the time, the indie film had been reduced to mainly the arty drama and the quirky comedy. To me, indie films were the realm of Hal Hartley and John Sayles. Then came Reservoir Dogs, which I was lucky enough to stumble into in a theater on opening weekend. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw and I was blown away. This film was a wake up call to every would be film maker in the land that it was okay to truly love the whole of cinema and draw on any and every influence and film you’ve loved, from classics to guilty pleasures. All film is relevant. It changed the way I looked at films and it changed the way movies are made. There’s a good reason why a generation of people adore Quentin Tarantino.
2) Glengarry Glen Ross – Two words for why I’m thankful for this film – David Mamet. I’ve heard some criticism in the past few years, mainly by bitter hipster film frauds who must automatically deride popular opinion, who feel Mamet is overrated. My gut reaction is to punch you in your fucking face. But, I’ll agree for shits and giggles that maybe his stories don’t always work. Fine. Tell me he isn’t one of, if not THE, greatest living writers of dialogue and you lose all credibility. Before I saw this film, I was a heathen who never fully understood the power of well written dialogue. Glengarry has only a minimal plot. It has only three real settings and basically seven characters. It has no action whatsoever. Yet, it’s mesmerizing from start to finish just on the power of dialogue. To add bonus thanks, every actor is legendary and at the top of their game in this. When Alec Baldwin dies, instead on a tombstone, he should get a monitor playing an endless loop of his ten minutes of screen time in this film. Jack Lemon is tremendous and it made me seek out his earlier films, allowing me to discover masterpieces like Some Like it Hot and The Apartment. Glengarry Glen Ross is like a begginers course in flim fundamentals and I feel like I didn’t really understand writing until I saw it.
1) Night of the Living Dead – There are numerous reasons for me to be thankful for this film and unlike most of the others, none of them are really cerebral, but all of them fall closer to the heart. One – it was probably the first film to really impact me as a kid. It scared me and shocked me, but it also opened my imagination like nothing else before it. It made me hunger for seeing more movies and made me really appreciate them for more than just images on a screen. Two – it created the zombie subgenre, which is my favorite type of horror film, no matter how overdone it currently is. It also changed horror period, establishing that horror film didn’t have to be moronic low-budget schlock. They can be well made and they can actually have something to say. Three – Watching this film with my dad is one of the fondest memories I have of him. My dad and I don’t have a great relationship and we see eye to eye on basically nothing. But, the one thing I can thank him for is introducing me to and making me love movies. He took me to or let me watch on TV more great films during my childhood than I can ever list. Many of which were films that the average parent wouldn’t let their kids see. He respected that I could handle these films and more importantly he wanted me to experience the art of them. I’ll never forget watching NOTLD on TV, in the dark, huddled in bed with my dad being frightened and in awe of what I was seeing. I think it’s one of those moments that shaped who I am and I’m thankful for it.
Super Carnita’s List
5 – Grease (1978)
This movie will always hold a special place in my heart. My cousin Jamie and I not only watched this movie over and over and over…but we would sit and listen to the soundtrack..and sing along to the songs…for hours and hours. Jamie has always been more like a great friend…or a sister to me. And I like to think some of that comes from this movie. I can’t watch it without thinking of her. That means a lot to me. Plus…it’s a pretty great movie when all is said and done.
4 – Animal House (1978)
My junior (?) year of high school…our spirit week theme was Animal House. Tick was a big part of this (death mobile). I must have watched this movie 20 times that year. And watched it with some of the best friends I will ever have. Good times. I also remember this movie because my mom and my sister loved it and whenever I watched it with them…they would always cover my eyes and ears during the “good” parts. It took me years to find out what i was missing.
3 – (A) Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
I was in junior high when this came out. Honestly it really made me nervous about high school. There are 2 things that stand out about this movie. 1 – Sean Penn’s performance as Jeff Spicoli. It’s a testament to the film that this strong, hysterical performance doesn’t define the overall package. And 2 – The dream sequence with Phoebe Cates. Wow. This scene is cemented in the 80’s zeitgeist…and cemented in my brain forever. Phoebe Cates was my first Hollywood crush. Amazingly enough though, the heart and soul of this movie is the relationship between Stacy, Mike, and Mark. What a great movie.
(B) – The Breakfast Club (1985)
The premise of this movie is so simple and stereotypical that it could have and should have failed on every level. But it didn’t. It was handled so deftly by John Hughes that it became an instant classic. As a Sophomore in high school when this came out, I felt like it was peering into my life. It was unsettling and uncompromising…and funny…and honest. Wow, they really don’t make movies like this anymore.
(C) – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
In high school I was in a band of misfits called The Marauders. This movie was our Citizen Kane. It takes me back every time I see it.
2 – (A) – The Jerk (1979)
This movie cemented Steve Martin as one of my idols. It showcases him and his sense of humor in the best possible way. For some reason I gravitated to this type of humor at a very early age. This movie is joke after joke after joke after joke…and just about every one worked for me. This movie took humor and twisted it all up and warped it. It was sweet and racy and dumb….and it all worked for me.
(B) – Airplane (1980)
Talk about joke after joke after joke. This movie taught me that a joke can be both brilliant and dumb at the same time. In a lot of ways movies like this and The Jerk…for better or worse…shaped my sense of humor. I wear it as a badge of honor when people sigh and say “that sounds like a Kevin joke.” You know who you are.
1 – (A) – Star Wars (1977)
Star Wars made me fall in love with movies. The first time I saw Star Wars was at the drive-in with my family….only…we were there to see something else. I have no idea what. My mom and step-father were in the front seat drinking and smoking pot, my sister was at the snack bar with her friends..hitting on boys or whatever. I was in the back seat…looking out the rear window at a movie that was like nothing I’d ever seen before. I couldn’t hear it of course…we were seeing something else…but I watched the entire movie without sound…ignoring whatever was coming from the speakers that were hanging from our window. I was truly mesmerized. It wasn’t long before I saw it with sound…but i will always remember that first time.
(B) – Spider-Man (2002)
I’ve been a Spider-Man fan since I was about 4 years old. I was just always drawn to the character. I immersed myself in the character through comic books, coloring books, action figures, games and whatever else came along. When the movie came out…I reverted back to being that little kid again. I never thought I would see Spidey in live-action on the big screen….but there he was. It was AMAZING. Now…the movie had plenty of flaws….the Green Goblin being turned into a Power Ranger villain being the most obvious one…but I loved it. I still love it.
Top 5 Movies That You’re Embarrassed To Like
6) Bonus Embarrassment! – For The Love of The Game
I know this movie is pure cheese, but it has too many reasons for me to give it a pass before I even watched it. One, I am a sucker for sports movies. Any sports movie. I even teared up watching that piece of shit We Are Marshall (which could have also been on this list.) Two, I’m the ultimate Kevin Costner apologist. He’s done far more good than bad and some day the world will remember that. Three, and here’s the killer, this is a Sam Raimi film. Yes, SAM RAIMI! I don’t care how cliché and predictable this is. I don’t care how sappy it is. I’m on board for every second of this cheesefest. Even the romantic flashbacks with Kelly Preston. Costner as a pitcher throwing a perfect game in what is supposed to be the last game of his career is just perfect casting. I’m man enough to be moved by cloying dreck. That’s my boy up on that mound, dammit.
5) Land of the Lost
Yeah, pretty much everyone hates this film. But, everyone pretty much hates Observe & Report too, so the world is obviously mainly full of half-wits. I firmly believe that this film is mainly victim to some bait and switch advertising that sold the film as something it wasn’t. This was supposed to be some cutesy kids movie with some dinosaur action and safe humor. It was actually a somewhat subversive acid trip of a film with some pretty smart adult humor that didn’t care in the slightest if you got the joke or not. Chaka is no longer the adorable cave boy. He’s a dickish pervert. Will the teenage heart-throb has become a drunk redneck fuckup. The Sleestaks are bloodthirsty monsters and Rick Marshall, well, he’s Will Ferrell. There’s drug taking and an ice cream man being slaughtered for laughs. Whatever it was the studio thought they were getting, they didn’t get a kid’s movie. Hell, Danny McBride and Jorma Taccone are both comedy gold and could sell a movie by themselves. Anyone who can watch McBride for more than five minutes without laughing is just dead inside. Still, trying to convince people of my opinion on this one is like telling people I have an adult baby fetish, so it goes in the shame pile.
4) The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Okay, so I can’t defend this one at all. This movie is pretty terrible. So terrible that it ended the careers of most involved. Sean Connery and director Stephen Norrington fought so badly during filming that they both retired from films after this wrapped and Peta Wilson, Stuart Townsend and Shane West, who were all on hot up and coming lists when this came out, basically never got major roles again. There’s some brilliant ideas here about taking a bunch of major literary characters and intertwining them into one major crossover, but it’s handled in some pretty stupid ways. (Not that I think the comic book was all that great either. It’s extremely overrated.) There is a baffling lack of logic with just about everything in this movie. Some of the action scenes, like the gigantic Nautilus gliding through the narrow canals of Venice, aren’t even physically possible. Somehow Dr. Jeckyll’s serum turns him into the Incredible Hulk and later in the film, he and one of the villains have a duel by drinking more and more serum, which makes them more and more gigantic and roided out. Even by the most generous sci-fi/fantasy standards, this is a dumb movie and one that doesn’t even have the decency to follow it’s own rules. Still, I have to say, I had a good time with it when I saw it in the theater and it’s a mindless junk heap with great set pieces that I will watch every time I find it on TV. Sometimes I don’t need things to make sense. I just need them to go whiz bang.
3) Cabin Boy
Speaking of stupid, meet the Mayor of Idiotville. There are no words to describe the the sense of humor on display here. The best I can say is that 99.9% of the population will not find Cabin Boy, or Chris Elliot, in the least bit funny. Only that .1 % will get this type of humor and even they will know this is actually really, really awful, yet they’ll laugh anyway. As Super Carnitas said, David Letterman is probably the sole reason this got made and with Dave’s awful cameo where he repeatedly asks “You wanna buy a monkey?” will show, he has the same odd, awful sense of humor. It’s a sense of humor that I appreciate, though. It’s the humor of the bizarre and the bad pun. I haven’t seen this in years, but when this came out my friends and I must have watched it until the vcr tape wore out.
2) Cabin Fever
You know it’s a special list when it has two films containing the word Cabin in the title. This is the only film on the list that I actually hated the first time I saw it. This was hyped as the next Evil Dead when it came out. It was billed as something that would change the face of horror. Eli Roth is nothing if not a self hype machine. As mad as I was when I left the theater, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had seen. Days went by and I found myself reciting dialogue and giggling my ass off about it. So I went and saw it again and I was finally enveloped in the warmth of its brilliance. Now that I know what Roth’s influences are, it’s painfully obvious what sort of bizarre 80’s throwback he was shooting for and I do mean BIZARRE. While the plot is basic and linear and the horror elements are straight forward, the rest of the craziness that swirls around this film and the randomness of what goes on around our characters is mind-blowing. The out of left field jokes and punch line dialogue are also totally out-of-place. Then there are two of the greatest creations in cinematic history – Deputy Winston and Dennis the biting boy, who both apparently stumbled into Cabin Fever by way of Twin Peaks. Forget what you heard. Cabin Fever is brilliant. Or I just love weird, shitty films.
In some alternate reality, Torque is recognized as the greatest movie ever made. I’m only half-joking when I say this. Torque truly is a magnificent achievement. Torque isn’t just a bad movie, it’s so aggressively awful that it’s like a sentient being that hates the audience and wants you to feel it’s hate deep within every fiber of your being. It’s a movie so terrible that I don’t believe it was actually made by a human being. My theory is that instead of writing a script, they wrote down a targeted demographic of 13-25 year old males, fed the numbers into some sort of alien computer system along with ten years worth of footage from MTV, some Mountain Dew and Taco Bell commercials, a couple of editions of Grand Thaft Auto and the frontal lobe of a severely autistic boy. The computer swirled these things together and puked out the cinematic triumph that is Torque. Behold the glory of two women having a kung fu fight both on their motorcycles and WITH their motorcycles in front of giant product placement billboards! Watch in amazement as motorcycles drive on top of speeding trains, flip kick off of trees and drive so fast that they set the pavement on fire! Scratch your head as visuals ripped off from Nine Inch Nails videos begin playing in the middle of a fight for no apparent reason. Cringe as Ice Cube actually has the balls to spit out the line “Fuck tha Police!” as dialogue. This is film making at its lowest common denominator absolute worst and it’s beautiful. It’s like staring into the face of God as he rides upon a unicorn drinking Skittlebrau. There has been a lot of talk, started by the demon known as Dane Cook, that this film was an intentional joke perpetrated on the studio. If that’s true, and it very well could be when the cast includes Cook, Jaime Pressley, Faizon Love and the always amazing Adam Scott. However, if this is bad on purpose, I don’t want to know. This is my favorite bad movie of all time and it will not be ruined for me.
Dub Cee’s List
5. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002) — Make no mistake, I do NOT like this movie. But when you are married you must sometimes explain your spouses choice of movies. For some reason, of all the movies on our shelves, my friends pick this out every time they are over and try to accuse me of buying it. Bleh.
4. Paint Your Wagon (1969) — Classic example of why you should always….ALWAYS double check the back of the case for what you are buying. Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood trying to sing and dance is something that should just not happen. Was almost as bad as the Sly Stallone flick, “Rhinestone”.
3. Lion King 1 1/2 (2004) — Look, I LOVE Lion King. I believe you could make the case for it being one of the best films ever made. My love for it go the better of me when I picked up this waste of 77 minutes of lifetime. Why I have not yet traded it in or sold it is beyond me.
2.Bloodsport 3 (1996) — Bloodsport with Jean-Claude Van Damm is just a great guy movie. So I could justify buying Bloodsport 2 even if it was Daniel Bernhardt doing his best Van Damn impression and the movie had nothing to do with the first. It sucked. A lot. So I had no justification for having bought 3 at the local pawn shop except to say that I must hate myself. However, once I own a complete franchise of movies, I cannot bring myself to break it up. This one is staying.
1. Centerstage (2002) — How embarrassed am I to own this? I have owned it for a couple years now and it is still in his original wrapping. It was a part of a duel pack with Rent. Rent on its own was the same price so I figured why not. Who knows, this might actually be a damn good movie. Thus far, I have yet to have the cojones to try it.
Tigris Rose’s List
I don’t usually buy movies I don’t like. and quite frankly the movies on this list are only in the house because of my husband. So here it goes.
5. Hot Shots Part Deux: The first one was bad enough. But this one is a parody of a Rambo movie. Rambo type character played by Charlie Sheen. Really… Charlie Sheen! Martin Sheen…Maybe even Emillio Estevez. But Charlie Sheen. This action parody is 10 times worse that its predecessor.
4. Under Siege: I hate Steven Seagal. He was a seal, then he’s a cook. But he’s the only one can stop terrorist after they seize control of a ship. Not only is the story line terrible, but it takes forever it get through. I felt sorry for Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey to get dragged into this movie next to Steven Seagal.
3. Scary Movie: To own any movie in this franchise you should shoot yourself. For what it was at the time, it was great. But to see what it became, and the parody movies that came after Scary Movie is just depressing. I miss Mel Brooks… I swear when he dies because of these parody movies he’ll roll in his grave. Scary Movie started a trend with Hollywood parody, mostly of just not being funny. But it leads the way to three sequels, plus “Not Another teen Movie,” “Meet the Spartans,” and “Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth.” God help us all.
2. Bloodsport: Two things I hate more in this world. Martial arts movies with little story, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Bloodsport, its “Fight Club” before there was fight club. Not only was this a terrible movie. There was barely any good actors. I hate watching this movie. That is why my husband has to go to the other room to watch it.
1. Every western movie in the house: I hate westerns. They are slow and boring, and half the acting in them are terrible. And its basically the same damn story in every movie. There is usually a bad good guy, and a really bad bad guy and they are shooting it out for either the farm or some woman. Then there is always a town drunk, a moron who usually turns on the good guy but then eventually helps him. Then there are horses, the desert, guns, booze, and whores. Every stinking movie.
5. The Wraith
Fellow reviewer Guillaume de Sade can attest to my absolute love for this Charlie Sheen car-centric supernatural story. The Wraith is about a group of illegal street racers who have murdered a kid. Said kid returns from the dead as … Charlie fucking Sheen. It’s not like the kid died as Charlie Sheen, he just returned from the dead as Charlie Sheen. I’ve got a major hard-on for The Wraith’s vehicle, which I’d kill for. The soundtrack to this film is phenomenal and my love for “Where’s The Fire?” has become a joke in itself. The story is paper thin, the villains are laughable, and there’s plot holes galore. I could normally excuse myself and say it’s still a car flick so I can’t be that embarrassed as a man, but what’s embarrassing is just how much I love this movie. Seriously. Where’s the fire, baby?
4. 10 Things I Hate About You
I’d be surprised if every dude didn’t at least have one chick flick on their lists. This is mine. This rom-com starring Julia Styles and the late Heath Ledger is nothing more than a modern retelling of Shakespeare’s The Taming of The Shrew. It just so happens The Taming of The Shrew is one of my favorite Shakespearian writings and I’ve loved Julia Styles for a long time. This is the role I looked to when Ledger was cast as The Joker and said “What the fuck? Him?!” — but we know how that story ends. There’s not much to say. This film is definitely a chick flick and I’ve watched it more times than I care to share.
3. In The Army Now
A comedy starring Pauly Shore and Andy Dick. I should just leave it there, but I won’t because what’s the point of this list if we’re not going to REALLY embarrass ourselves? I don’t find Pauly Shore OR Andy Dick to be as annoying as most people do. In Shore’s case, I actually liked Son-in-Law, Encino Man, and Jury Duty … but I love In The Army Now. Both Shore and Dick make me laugh in this movie which in itself is a shameful admission, but I’ve watched this movie a ton of times and subject my friends to it. Surprisingly, most of them have liked it so … either this really isn’t that bad, or all my friends are just as retarded as I am. The latter isn’t that hard to believe, but to me In The Army Now actually makes a strong case that we need to lay off Shore and Dick. What? No? I can go fuck myself? I accept that.
2. Mr. Nanny
I was born in 1987 and as soon as I could understand wrestling I was a Hulkamaniac. The Hulkster was a Real American, whatever that meant. He was a real-life superhero and as such I was willing to watch anything with Hogan in it. Enter: Mr. Nanny. A flick about a rich family with a single father as the head of the household and two bratty, attention-starved children in need of a nanny. The nanny they happen to get is none other than the man with 24-inch pythons and the kids put him through Hell. This movie also features some weird kidnapper/Saturday Morning cartoon-esque villain, but who cares? It’s Hulk Hogan as a — teehee — nanny! Look, as a kid the concept just amused me and now that I’m older … it’s kind of nostalgic. I’ll still watch it given the chance, but this movie is awful with really no saving grace whatsoever.
1. Super Mario Bros.
The Super Mario Bros. movie … I don’t know what to say. I know it’s bad. I know from every standpoint imaginable this film should be nothing but utter trash to me. It doesn’t even provide a good translation of the video game it was based on. Hell, it barely tries! But … I love it. It also has John Leguizamo who I continuously root for and his Sexaholics stand-up routine is one of my favorite of all-time. I’ll watch anything with Leguizamo in it … even The Pest, which didn’t make this list because I’ll admit that was completely stupid. What’s really embarrassing is, like in most cases, just how much I enjoyed this movie. I marked out when they put their suits on. I’d mark out now! Hopper entertained me as Koopa, the goons were funny to me, and the Mario Bros… I loved them, okay? I’ll hand in my badge and gun now.
Super Carnitas’ List
5 – King Kong (1976)
This was MY King Kong. I can still vividly see the ad for this movie on the back of my Spider-Man comics. It might be the first print ad for a film that really made me want to see the movie. I convinced my step-father to take me to see it. We saw it at the drive-in…so he could get drunk…of course. I loved it. It just sucked me in from the get go. And….even though I was just a boy…I knew Jessica Lange was smoking hot. In my opinion…King Kong has never hoisted a hotter babe up in his hairy palm. Charles Grodin and Jeff Bridges were both great in their roles as well. I’ve watched this film a few times recently…and it’s really pretty cheesy and hokey…but in all honesty I prefer it to Peter Jackson’s version.
4 – Saving Silverman
This movie is terrible. It’s just awful…yet…for some reason…if I’m ever flipping through the channels on a Sunday afternoon and I come across this movie, I end up watching the whole thing. Amanda Peete is in this…and I have a theory that she has never been in a good movie. And that still holds up here…but i have to admit…for some reason..when it’s on, I can’t look away.
3 – Cabin Boy
This movie is absurd and hilarious. For this film to even get made…it seems like all the stars in the heavens had to align, and Chris Elliot had to catch every break there was to be caught. And even then, you would think some studio suit would have seen this and questioned the sanity of the people who produced it. I think David Letterman had some pull when it came to this getting released. Anyways…I think this movie is pure comic genius. I could use it as a friendship litmus test. If you say you loved this movie…it’s pretty much guaranteed that we’re going to get along. If you hate it…I will tolerate you, yet we will never truly bond. And if you can’t appreciate the humor…whatever. At least appreciate the look of this film. It’s almost a living cartoon. Just watch it.
2 – Showgirls
C’mon. This is the Dark Knight Returns of bad movies. This movie is so painfully bad, it almost physically hurts to watch it. I’ve rarely felt bad for an actress or an actor in a film…but it truly pains me to watch Elizabeth Berkley here. This movie is bad on so many levels…and each of those levels are filled with layers of even worse badness. Layers and layers making up levels and levels of a truly awful movie. And I love it. I will expound on the subject one day, until then I will simply recommend it.
1 – Anaconda
This is actually one of my favorite movies ever. First of all…what a cast. Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, Eric Stoltz, Owen Wilson, Jon Voight…all on this wonderful jungle adventure. What more could you ask for? How about horribly rendered, giant CGI snakes? You got it. I never get sick of watching this movie. Top 5 favorite of mine of all time.
Chainsaw Cheerleader’s List
5.)Resident Evil Trilogy
I do not think I can honestly explain to anyone why I love the Resident Evil films. The acting is just kind of okay, the special effects really aren’t that special ,and the storyline has basically nothing to do with the Resident Evil video games. It is entertaining though and if you forget about the idea that it is meant to be based on the video games then the storyline really isn’t half bad. I think the movies suffer greatly from being associated with the video games, having actors whose best acting really isn’t all that great, and at times some pretty silly looking monsters. Despite all that, it is still entertaining and in the end that is what a movie is truly meant to do, to entertain.
I’ve always been kind of a movie snob when it comes to remakes. To say that I hate remakes is an understatement. To me sometimes remakes feel very uncreative and are remade just to make money and not used as the great storytelling force that movies can be. Thirteen Ghosts is a remake but that is only half of the embarrassment. Tony Shalhoub is the lead actor. Yes, the guy from Monk. Shalhoub, may forever in my mind, be type cast as a bumbling fool. Every character I have seen him play has had the same qualities but only wrapped in a different package. The scary thing is he actually makes it work for this film. It almost helps the viewer understand his character better. Besides that, Thirteen Ghosts has an interesting thought out storyline and the different ghost types are very creative.
3.)Howard the Duck
Howard the Duck is not on this list because I am embarrassed to like it but because I should know better. I know I shouldn’t like it but I do. It is an awful comic book based film that has a duck with breasts in it and Lea Thompson having sex with a duck. Howard may have been human like but it was still bestiality. Besides that, Howard the Duck is really just insane and off the wall. The special effects are over the top and look pretty damn good for there time. It is also so very 1980’s, a wonderful awful mix of all things 80’s.
2.) Scooby-Doo (2002)
I grew up watching the reruns of the Scooby-Doo cartoon and most likely first watched this movie because of that. After watching it I was kind of surprised by how much I liked it. Even though Scooby-Doo is a children’s movie it still had adult elements. For example, it poked fun at the fact that everyone thinks Shaggy smokes pot. The movie tried to reach out to a younger audience without alienating those who grew up on it. That effort may not have been flawless but it is obvious that they tried.
1.) Cats & Dogs (2001)
This may be the most embarrassing thing I have ever admitted to on the internet but I love movies with talking animals. Cats & Dogs has talking ninja cats! Thats right, talking ninja cats. I think that is all I really need to say about that.
This is one of the worst pieces of shit ever committed to celloloid. It’s fucking terrible. The acting is bad, the effects are bad, it’s lazily shot and the screenplay is fucking laughable. You know when you say that a film looks like it was written by a 5 year old? I actually believe that’s the case with this one. The premise is pretty cliche’ and forgettable. There’s some terrorist group in a third world country and they’re gonna start some shit. They’re too tough for the regular U.S. military. We need MEGAFORCE. And what is Megaforce? A group of guys driving toys that a five year old thought up. Motorcycles with mounted machine guns and missile launchers, vans and trucks with missiles and guns. And they’re all painted white, with cool rainbow pinstriping. Maybe that’s because their leader, Ace Hunter, played by Barry Bostwick, looks like he chokes on a lot of cock. Spandex jumpsuit and big, gay beard. It’s so shitty and ridiculous, but when all those vehicles that sprung out of some kid’s spiral notebook doodles come rolling across the desert? It’s totally watchable. I feel shame just writing about this flick.
I actually get a lot of shit for this one because it’s so prominantly displayed, but I love this movie. It’s one of those “so bad, it’s good” ones, but you know why it works? The people in this movie earnestly and honestly believe that they’re making high art and it’s utter GARBAGE committed to film. The plot is ridiculous and really just consists of different ways to get Jesse Spano naked. The dialogue is stilted and awkward, but delivered with such zeal and conviction that you can’t help but laugh. Oh yeah, you can NOT forget the hilarious sex scene in a pool, where Agent Cooper bangs Elizabeth Berkley in 3 feet deep of water and she shrieks like a banshee, flops, flails and splashes water about like the fish at the end of Faith No More’s “Epic” video. Showgirls is an annual tradition at my house. It’s one of the greatest comedies ever filmed.
THE PIRATE MOVIE
My gay love of musicals should be well known by now. This is not a good musical. It’s cheesy, 80s synth pop stuff that even synth pop 80s bands would be ashamed to sign their names to. It was an attempt at modernizing The Pirates Of Penzance and starred Kristy McNichol and Christopher Atkins as the leads. Neither could sing, but that didn’t stop them from lip-synching like true champs. The jokes are PG-rated double entendres and in retrospect, the whole thing was just an excuse to have Atkins, who was coming off Blue Lagoon and was somewhat of a heartthrob, and McNichol run around in swimwear. I actually wore my Beta tape of this out back in the day and I used to be able to recite the whole flick start to finish. That is not a source of pride. It is an admission of self-loathing.
JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS
I’ll still defend the fuck out of this flick. People see this in my DVDs, point and laugh, but have you ever actually watched it? Yes, it’s a teeny bopper flick, filled with hot, little 20-somethings, bouncing around singing poppy little songs, but the whole flick is a condemnation of pop music at the time, which was the era of Backstreet, N-Sync and Britney. Seth Green’s boy band called Du Jour flying around in their Target plane had some of the best moments. Parker Posey and Alan Cumming playing the evil record execs who use the Pussycats music to brainwash teens into buying products are over the top in their roles, but funny as well. I actually found the script pretty clever and the way they slapped a logo onto absolutely everything not only paid for the movie, but allowed the filmmakers to take digs at the very people who were giving them money. It may have been pop tripe, but I actually own the soundtrack as well and listen to it regularly. There is such a thing as good pop music. This flick is totally jerkin’.
THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN
One of my most loved films for no reason that I can put my finger on. Helen Slater plays a white trash girl who has a putzy little brother played by a young Christian Slater. Some bullies trash his scooter and when she confronts the bullies dad about it, he tries to get her to take some naked pictures. She shoots him in the leg and runs off. This is where the film gets ridiculous. A statewide manhunt ensues. Seriously. A STATEWIDE manhunt for a simple assault, not even a MURDER. While on the run, Billie Jean becomes this sort of icon for angry young women everywhere by broadcasting messages on television and showing the ultimate sign of rebellion against authority by… er.. cutting her hair short. From there, some sort of underground railroad of short-haired girls starts up to ferret Billie Jean from hiding spot to hiding spot, until her final confrontation with her “victim”. I get sucked into this film EVERY TIME it’s on television. I literally can’t explain it. Everything about the movie screams SHIT at the top of it’s lungs, but I refuse to change the channel everytime it’s on. It’s a classic to me and I wait breathlessly for it’s conversion to Blu Ray.
TOP 5 FAVORITE SEQUELS
Tigris Rose’s List
5.) Star Trek The Next Generation: Generations
Alright to be fair, I am a Trekkie, so maybe I am a little bias. I love the whole franchise except, however, movies 3 and 5, they suck. I love Star Trek movies mostly for the stories, characters and for the CGI at their times. The Next Generation series is my favorite. I love how the movies kept the small story lines going even after the series finished. The one thing I really love which puts this above all else is that two thing. One the return of Cap. James T. Kirk. It sucks he dies at the end, but he died for a good purpose. The second was watching Data gaining his emotion chip. You cheer throughout the whole season for him to become more human. It was nice to see him taking the steps for his goal. Data is one of my favorite characters. BTW for the record Nemesis doesn’t exist. I don’t like the fact they blew up Data and gave him a cliff hanger ending. Complete B.S.
4.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze
*sings the cartoon theme song.* Love me some Ninja Turtles. I remember seeing the first one in the theater. But I think that it was a good sequel that tried to stay true to first movie and the comic books. It was a little cheesy, especially the one liners. But awesome none the less. Although I could have done without Vanilla Ice. The return of the Shredder was scary awesome. NOTE –Sorry, but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t put the Vanilla Ice picture on there. ~ Tick
3.) Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade
Who better to take on the Nazis again than Dr. Henry Jones? How about two Dr. Henry Jones’? That’s right two hotties for the price of one. I love the fact Sean Connery and Harrison Ford play father and son in this movie. And its great that they are going up against the Nazis together, and hunting for the Holy Grail an obsession of Jones Sr. Its nice that after so many years as being estranged that they can come together and be father and son by the end of the movie, even though Jones Sr. still calls Indy “Jr.” I love Temple of Doom as well but Sean Connery’s part in the Last Crusade puts it above Temple of Doom.
2.) The Return of the King
I love the Franchise. I’m a big fan of Tolkien. Peter Jackson’s depiction of Middle Earth was like taken it straight for the book. Especially when you watch the extended DVDs. The reason I put this one above The Two Towers is the big ass fight scene at the end of the movie in Gondor. The cinematography of simultaneous story lines. One good example is when Pippen was in Gondor with the Stewart singing at his dinner table, while at the same time the Stewart’s youngest son and others from the army basically get slaughtered by the orcs. My favorite story line was that with Aragon, Legolas, and Gimli. Traveling from the Rohan to the mountain to get the ghost but when you do see the ghost you can tell that Jackson directed Frighteners.
1.) The Dark Knight
I like the original franchise except the Joel Schumacher ones. They strayed away from the comics. I love the Dark Knight because it follows the ideals of the Detectives comic which is my favorite version of the Batman Comics. The scary deep batman voice was a little much though. But I love Michael Caine as Alfred, it just fits so well. but the highlight of the movie is Ledger’s role as the Joker. You almost understand his character more. As though the Joker’s logic is justified. Still a little creepy. I like Jack’s version from the original Batman, but the way Ledger did it was almost legendary. I love how the cinematography in the movie was kept in that dark lighting just like the Detective comics. All in all this is my favorite sequel.
Pi’s top 5
5.) Evil Dead II
It’s a shame Sam Raimi doesn’t do films like this anymore. I understand growth and maturity, being handed bigger budgets and all, but dammit, this flick is just fun. The plot is almost non-existent. The Necronomicon gets read, Hell breaks loose and all sorts of beasties go after the unfortunates trapped in a remote cabin in the woods. The monster makeup is cheap, but it works. The camera angles and tracking were crazy, drawing you into the insanity of the situation. A young Bruce Campbell playing the role of Ash, a part that people still adore him for. It’s a classic for good reason. The follow-up, Army Of Darkness, has a bigger budget and a few of it’s own great moments, but Evil Dead II still trumps it. The only thing that tarnishes this film, in my opinion, is the 400 different editions released seemingly monthly on DVD.
To me, Aliens is barely a sequel to Alien. While they share characters and antagonists, the films are so different in every other way. They’re shot different, the tone is completely different. Alien is a suspense thriller in space. Aliens is a fucking war movie. It has an awesome cast, with one liners that when quoted, get a knowing smile from any red-blooded, American male in the vicinity. It created a truly bad-ass monster in the Aliens, that have been copied ad nauseum by almost every video game and science fiction movie since. James Cameron may be a big douche nowadays, but before he made movies about aliens thrusting their penis hair into flowers and bitches dying on a boat, he made some bad-ass flicks. All the Aliens movies after this one are trash too, including Fincher’s.
Another sequel that trumps the original. I was thoroughly unimpressed by El Mariachi. I understand that it was a tremendous achievement, making a film for 3 bucks and all, but I still thought it was kinda lame. Desperado is watchable start to finish. There are valid arguments against this film, notably that it’s all style over substance. It is, but oh what style. It’s a motherfucking gun ballet. Awesome fight choreography that still stands up today. The third film in the trilogy, Once Upon A Time In Mexico, is a steaming turd, but I still watch Desperado on the regular.
2.) The Dark Knight
I loved what Christopher Nolan did with Batman Begins, but the sequel is a modern-day classic. It’s a Batman film that features very little in-costume Batman, but everything Bruce Wayne does is believable and true to character. The flick is really Heath Ledger’s tour-de-force. I admit, I had serious doubts about his ability to pull this role off. Even when the first pictures of him in makeup hit the internet, I could still only picture him in A Knight’s Tale. I had no idea that he would not only kill in the role, but wipe Nicholson’s portrayal off the map. The film is epic and majestic in every shot and in my opinion, never gets boring, even though it’s pretty long. I honestly think Nolan’s gonna have an impossible task ahead of him trying to come even close to this film for Batman 3, which is probably why he’s dragging his feet on making it.
1.) The Empire Strikes Back
Hey, I’m an unapologetic Star Wars geek. Even though I refuse to acknowledge the three recent movies, the original trilogy will always hold a special place in my heart. It defined my childhood and opened up my interest into things that led to all the geeky shit that I’m still into today. Is it a great movie? I have no fucking idea. I love it though. I love that it opens up with The Rebels getting their asses kicked for blowing up the Death Star, reminding them that The Empire is a fucking Empire. I dig that Han’s bullshit catches up to him and that Luke’s world gets absolutely shattered, learning that his arch-enemy is his father and losing his hand in the deal as well. Plus, the coolest toys came from this movie as well. It’s no secret that almost every filmmaker who does a trilogy to this day uses Empire as the model to bridge films 1 and 3. It’s that damn good and if you disagree with me, I’ll kick your testicles up into your throat. Or shrug and snicker to myself at your stupidity. One or the other, don’t find out which.
Chainsaw Cheerleader’s Top 5
5.) National Lampoon Christmas Vacation
National Lampoon Christmas Vacation has become a tradition at my father’s house. It is not How the Grinch Stole Christmas or It’s a Wonderful Life that is watched every Christmas. No, what is watched is a movie about how insane ones family is but at the heart of it you love them, even if they do dump the waste from their camper into your sewage drain and then later set it on fire. As of late National Lampoon has been releasing awful straight to DVD films but when the company was young it actually cared about the movies it made. The two reasons why I prefer this film over the first two Vacation movies are: Randy Quaid is given more screen time and it still makes me laugh even though it was first released over twenty years ago.
I cannot properly put into words my love for 1980’s action movies. Growing up on action heroes like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal makes you appreciate over the top violence and blowing shit up. I have always enjoyed Sylvester Stallone in the Rambo series. Age has not been kind to Mr. Stallone and even after all these years it is still difficult to understand just what he is saying. Despite this, Rambo is an awesome film. With a body count of 236 and a kill count of 2.59 per minute, Rambo is fucking glorious. The plot of the film can be iffy at times but we must be serious. We do not watch Rambo for a moral message. We watch it to see an American hero just mow the bad guys down with a machine gun.
3.) Star Trek: First Contact
Star Trek: First Contact was the second film for the Star Trek: Next Generation movie series. It is by far my favorite for two reasons. First, Caption Kirk is not in this film. In Star Trek: Generations, Caption Kirk is killed. This beloved caption does not die a glorious death. Yes, he does help save the world but by doing so he falls off a bridge that has collapsed and dies on the rocks below. Caption Kirk needed more. Whether it be going down the U.S.S. Enterprise or a massive intergalactic battle, Caption Kirk deserved better. Second, the movie explores mans first travels into space and how those actions helped bring about Earth’s first contact with aliens.
2.) Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
There are many reasons why Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back has become my favorite out of the Star Wars series. The top five major reasons for this are:
* “No, I am your father.” has become one of the most well-known quotes. It is also this quote that is a key element to the plot of this film.
* The introduction of Yoda.
* Boba Fettt becomes a major villain in the series.
*No Ewoks. When I was six I saw this film for the first time and being a six-year-old little girl I wanted an Ewok just because they were adorable. Now as an adult I realize that the Ewok was just a great tool for merchandising.
* Just before Han is placed in suspended animation Leia tells him, “I love you.” His reply was simply, “I know.” This reply helped reinforced just how bad ass Han Solo is.
1.) The Dark Knight
Heath Ledger as the Joker.
That is all I really need to say.
5. Quantum of Solace
The James Bond franchise had more misses than hits over its long run. 2006’s Casino Royale was a breath of fresh air, revamping the franchise and sticking the great Daniel Craig in the lead role. While Casino Royale was highly praised, its sequel Quantum of Solace was met with mixed reviews. Not from me. I think Quantum of Solace is what the next film needed to be. Casino Royale was deliberately paced, played the action to a lesser degree, and focused more on an unprofessional James Bond. Its sequel was much heavier on the action and kept things moving. I see Solace as the flip side to the coin rather than a separate entity, and in that it perfectly balanced its predecessor.
4. Clerks II
Kevin Smith’s low-budget comedy about a couple of store clerks dealing with the absurdities of customer service and life in general was hilarious and ground-breaking. When a sequel was officially announced, not a lot of people thought it was a good move. A lot of people thought it was just going back to the well and milking the cash cow — fuck that. Clerks II was brilliant and hysterical. Smith had more to say and more life to breathe into these characters and the ending is truly the way they should have been sent out. It was the only way it could have and should have been wrapped up. Now, if he tries to make Clerks III… I’ll concede to the critics.
3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Terminator and Terminator 2 will always be juggernaut films in the world of science fiction and with great reason. The first film is fantastic in its own right, but this is one of those times where a great film’s sequel has outdone the original. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick were both phenomenal — yes, ARNOLD, AS AN ACTOR, WAS GREAT. At least in this role. The action was bigger, the villain was scarier, and the story had such purpose. This sequel was absolutely necessary and has set the bar for science fiction. I couldn’t leave this off my list.
2. The Dark Knight
This one feels too easy and I almost feel like I’m committing a great copout by putting it on my list, but it can’t be avoided. Christopher Nolan is a fantastic Director and after years of dealing with post-Burton Batman films, he stepped in and saved us all. The Dark Knight was a massive improvement over his already great reboot of the Batman franchise. Sadly, this film will be remembered as Heath Ledger’s last complete role (he hadn’t finished Doctor Parnassus) and not enough can be said about his performance. While Bale has been criticized and praised for his portrayal of Batman, I think he does a sub-Keaton job. Michael Caine, Aaron Eckhart, and of course Heath Ledger steal the show and make this fantastically realistic portrayal of the Batman mythos one of the most enjoyable rides I’ve ever had at the movies.
Ridley Scott’s Alien, like Terminator, is another science fiction landmark. The film was claustrophobic, frightening, and was the birth of one of the most iconic creatures ever created. The sequel directed by James Cameron sought to add to, rather than replicate, what made the first one a success. The stakes were raised, the action was pumped up, and while that sometimes can make for a dumber film — it succeeded on all accounts. The horror quotient was amplified with each additional Xenomorph and how could anybody forget the epic battle between the Queen and Ripley in a gigantic machine? I simply love this movie. Unfortunately, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection weren’t nearly as good, but Aliens 2 alone makes the entire franchise worthwhile to me.
Dub Cee’s List
5. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995): What can I say, I have a soft spot for Segal flicks. This movie is just fun and ass-kicking all the way. I enjoy this one a little more than the original which is also just lots of fun to watch. There were plenty of other movies I nearly put in this spot but I settled on this one just because I am willing to bet, barring a Top 5 list about him, Segal will not be in anybody’s Top 5 for anything.
4. Another Stakeout (1993): Unlike “Stakeout” this movie is actually kind of funny. Emilio Estavez, Richard Dreyfuss and Rosie O’Donnel as a group of cops in a Stakeout which goes horribly wrong. Is it the best movie ever made…no, not at all. Do I laugh my ass off when I watch it…yes.
3. Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom (1984): For my money this is the best of the franchise. I just really like this movie and the scene with the “WATER!” gets me to laugh everytime.
2. Desperado (1995): Yep, the sequel to 1992’s El Mariachi is so good people forget about its foreign film predecessor. Action, humor, and sexiness all about. Just a great movie.
1. The Dark Knight (2008): Come on, admit it, how many of you forget this is the sequel to 2005’s Batman Begins? argument could be made that this is the greatest sequel of all time. But it is most definitely my personal favorite.
This has been a surprisingly difficult list to create. I thought it would be simple to come up with five favorites, but it simply isn’t. The romantic notion that all sequels and remakes suck is a noble one (not really), but misguided once you actually start running down names. My top three are golden, but the last two slots could’ve gone to a dozen different films. Which brings me too….
I hate honorable mentions. It’s a cop out. I admit it. I don’t care. I can’t legitimately say this isn’t one of my favorite films, but I admire it as much as any film that would appear on my list. It’s one of the most organic, honest , made for the right reasons sequels ever to hit the screen. Picking up on these characters ten years after they first met and shared one magical night together is just a very cool idea. It isn’t a hearts and flowers film full of phony romance. These characters are older and wiser and their lives have been full of the type of mundane, bitter realities that make us all jaded as we grow up in ways we didn’t expect. They aren’t ready to jump into each other arms when they have this chance encounter for a second time. They talk and reminisce naturally, but you never know if there’s any chance of the spark rekindling. The perfect ending alone is worth seeing the film. It may not be one of my “favorite” sequels, so to speak. But not mentioning it would be criminal.
5) Bad Boys II
I’ve seen this film called immoral. I’ve seen it called juvenile and irresponsible. I’ve listened to the whining about it being nothing but violence and raging machismo. Yep. Right on all counts. That’s why this movie is AWESOME! Michael Bay has heard his critics and this is him flopping his dong at them as he throws every action movie cliché at the screen to the Nth degree. It’s so politically incorrect that it hurts. This is a spectacle and it’s a great one. Bay has made an action movie that shows both reverence to the genre and spoofs it at the same time. If you’re an action movie fan and you don’t like Bad Boys II, you’re either a liar or you’re dead inside. This was Hot Fuzz before there was a Hot Fuzz.
4) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
I’m happy for a chance to defend this film. This may be one of the most unfairly maligned sequels of all time. I think over time, people have slowly started to come around, but it’s never been given it’s due. That needs to end. Aside from a few minor flaws, Temple of Doom is every bit the masterpiece that Raiders is. It’s exciting, it’s funny, Indy is perhaps even more charming and it probably comes closer to it’s serial homage roots than any of the other films. The opening sequence in China is also THE greatest and most tightly filmed action squence out of any of the trilogy (part 4 doesn’t exist.) Go back and watch it, then tell me I’m wrong. I’m not. P.S. – even Short Round is cooler than you remember.
3) Evil Dead 2
If you know me, you knew this was going on the list. Some people will argue over whether this is a sequel or a remake ad infintium. News flash. It’s called Evil Dead 2. Accept it as sequel and move on. I shouldn’t have to even explain the genius of this film. Any single source of cinema that basically launched Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, the Splatstick genre of horror and the Necrinomicon into the public consciousness speaks for itself. (and yes, more people know of the Necronomicon from R than from Lovecraft.) Regardless of whether or not you appreciate horror, any film fan should be able to recognize this as a genius piece of small budget film making and a true artist at work.
2} Godfather Part 2
It’s very rare that a sequel is better than the original film. When the second film is better than the original, and the original is one of the best films ever made, you’ve really made something special. It’s Shakespearean and epic, moving backward and forward through time to explore the parallel lives of a father and son who’ve taken the same path in different ways. It’s an all-star cast at the top of their games and a wunderkind director in his prime. Maybe one of the greatest crime films of all time. Definitely one of the best sequels.
1) The Empire Strikes Back
I don’t care how bad Star Wars ended up. I don’t care how annoying Star Wars apologists are. I don’t care how soulless and greedy George Lucas is. At one time, this was a viable, vibrant franchise and any way you slice it, Empire is a great film and by far the best of the series by miles. What really sets it apart? Lucas didn’t direct or write this. He wrote down some ideas on a cocktail napkin and walked away to count his money and focus on giving Kenner his laundry list of merchandise tie-ins. Empire is a real film made by real film makers. It has weight and depth. It’s dark and it wasn’t concerned with the kids in the audience. It has the best acting of the films and the least cheese or pandering to the lowest common denominator. Empire is how good the franchise could be, yet never strived for again. It’s a shame things went the wrong way. Watch Empire and forget ewoks or Jar Jar ever existed.
Super Carnita’s List
5 – The Muppets Take Manhattan
I’m not sure this sequel was better than it’s predecessor…but it certainly was just as good. It was smart and funny….and it reinforced the charm and wit that made the Muppets great to begin with. The wedding? The Sesame Street characters?….Grover?…c’mon? Great sequel.
4 – Batman Returns
I prefer this movie to the original Batman movie….but I also blame this movie for the demise of the original Batman franchise. Combining Catwoman and The Penguin was pure genius in this case. But it set an ugly precedent…and we ended up with The Riddler and Two-Face…instead of a great Riddler movie. And we got Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy…instead of a great Poison Ivy movie. Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer were both great in their roles. Christopher Walken nearly stole the show. Until the Dark Knight came out…this was the best Batman movie ever.
3 – Christmas Vacation
You can have “It’s a Wonderful Life”…even “A Christmas Story” I’ll take this movie every time. I try and watch it every year. It’s hilarious. Chevy Chase is a funny motherfucker. Until Community came along…it was something I was starting to forget.
2 – Bride of Chucky
Child’s Play was a pretty great movie. The sequels were largely terrible….until Bride of Chucky. Talk about a movie breathing new and necessary life into a franchise. Wow. Although “Seed of Chucky” failed…Bride of Chucky was pretty amazing. Jennifer Tilly was exactly what this franchise needed. How many times do you get to say that?
1 – The Dark Knight
This movie was so great it rendered the first movie irrelevant. And Batman Begins was pretty damn good. Heath Ledger’s performance elevated this movie beyond my greatest expectations. The worst part of this movie was Batman himself..and there were a few really cheesy scenes…but none of it matters. This film was all about the Joker. It made Nicholson’s Joker look like a joke. A bad joke. I expect a huge letdown for the third movie. I hope I’m wrong.
this was tough. Trek II, Empire, Aliens, T2, ugh….Rocky 4..c’mon…
Guillaume de Sade’s List
Before I start I just have to say that I am intentionally leaving out the Rocky franchise because there it has been scientifically proven that if you CAN pick one of the Rocky sequels as a favorite over another, then you are douche bag.
So anyway, here goes:
James Cameron directs this follow up to Ridley Scott’s classic. While the original was more of a traditional horror movie, Cameron’s take was more of an action movie. Coming hot off of the success of The Terminator, J.C. pretty much had carte blanche come into this movie and do whatever he pleased. Thankfully, this was at a time when he still had something to prove and making kick ass action movies was it. For everyone that felt that Avatar was completely overrated and at a loss as to what all the hub bub was about, this is a glimpse of what could have/should have been.
4. Terminator 2
James Cameron again! Terminator two was awesome from top to bottom…Cutting edge special effects (for the time)…check. Kick ass song from hugely popular musicians…check. Huge star check. Director who is on fire…check! The Terminator team was firing on all cylinders for this installment, however, for me this wasn’t enough. What put this movie over the top for me was Linda Hamilton…She carried more than her weight with this one…or maybe it just seemed that way because she was so much better than Arnold and Edward. Being sexy as hell, covered in blood and sweat…well that didn’t hurt either.
3. The Dark Knight
Christopher Nolan follows up his thoroughly satisfying vision Gotham City’s protector with an even more satisfying vision the denizens of Batman’s world. There’s really not much to be said about this movie that hasn’t already been said. Heath Ledger’s death only served to raise the bar for this movies expectations and it not only met those expectations, it kicked them in the balls and set them on fire, then feasted on it’s carcass.
2. Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut
When I first saw Superman two as a kid, I thought it was AWESOME!! Three bad guys as powerful as Superman who had given up his powers?!?! Needless to say, this movie did not stand up to the test of time…and then along came the Richard Donner edition. Seeing his original vision for the movie, it made so much more sense and suddenly became AWESOME again! Kneel before Zod indeed.
1. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
When people talk about how maddeningly awesome the Star Wars trilogy is, this installment generally consists of about 87.3% of the conversation. Empire is really far and away the best of both trilogies (although two out of three of the prequel trilogies ate donkey dick down to its flea infested rind). This is the movie that introduced us to Boba Fett, and Yoda. Yoda damn it!!! To be said about this, nothing more needs.
TOP 5 FAVORITE HORROR FILMS
Kreuger was a character developed to make little kiddies wet themselves in fear, letting them to know as soon as they start counting sheep their ass belongs to him. In the years to come he might have succumbed to camp, but originally Freddy was a frightening character who attacked in the one place you eventually had to run to. Your bed. Nine, ten, never sleep again.
Cube is one of those bizarre little flicks that doesn’t get enough word of mouth but is truly a treat. In essence, Cube is one big character study set in a claustrophic ‘prison’ where a single step can mean the difference between life and death. Are the people surrounding you really in the same peril you are, or are they part of the sick game? Who can you trust? Is escape a possibility or an illusion? This is what Saw would have been if it was more cerebral and less torture porn (though you get a bit of the ol’ ultra violence in this one as well).
3. Trick ‘r Treat (2008)
I debated adding Trick ‘r Treat to the list because it’s really a dark comedy/horror and I was afraid it would set a dangerous precedent and this entire list would just become Shaun of The Dead/Zombieland type flicks. It’s October and this is the quintessential Halloween movie in my opinion, so fuck it. It makes the cut. Four stories — all interweaving on Halloween night. You get the feeling of old campfire horror stories told with all the spirit and fun of the holiday in mind. The comedy is dark enough and the frights are sweet enough to show the filmmakers cared, and it isn’t so hard on the laughs that it tries to be a horror parody.
2. [REC] (2007)
This movie was remade almost shot-by-shot in America as Quarantine and it sucked. The additions were bad, the lighting changed the whole mood of the flick and it takes you right out of the supposed ‘reality’ feel. In short, check out this Spanish flick. It follows a camera crew, who, in turn are doing a program on a fire department and get called to an apartment complex. Eventually, they all get locked in and a disease is spreading that’s driving the inhabitants to act like Republicans. Not exactly, but just watch it anyway. It’s all filmed Blair Witch/Cloverfield style from the cameraman’s perspective and keeps up a fast, gut-wrenching pace. Definitely a favorite.
1. A Serbian Film (2010)
Fuck this movie. Seriously. I am a sick, twisted individual and I pride myself on such. With that in mind it’s nearly impossible to bother me on any level. Dead babies, rape, snuff, mutilation — show me any of the above on its own and I’m fine. Hell, mix a couple of them up and I’m still okay. This movie is just horror on a whole new level. It crosses lines that I didn’t know existed and as such, it gets my number one pick. If you think you’ve got a stomach and want to push it to the limits, then by all means, I recommend this one. I’ll leave you with two words though. The worst two rhyming words in the English language: newborn porn. Good day.
5) The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)
You’d think choosing a number one would be hardest, but number 5 was actually the most difficult. My top 4 are locks, but after that it gets pretty murky. In the end I have to go with the film that my not be a sexy pick, but is without a doubt nearest and dearest to my heart. As a little kid, from the time I was still yelling for Grandma to wipe my butt, I watched movies obsessively. Especially horror films. The Universal classics stood at the top of my monster hierarchy and The Creature was the King among monster peasants. He, and his still state of the art practical effects, captured my imagination like no other heebie jeebie could. It’s not the greatest of the Universal Monster movies. It’s downright corny in parts. But, my house is full of Creature memorabilia and my beloved Gill-Man shaped me as a film lover. I still watch this every Halloween and I still love every minute of it.
4) The Brood (1979)
I really miss the old, weird, envelope pushing David Cronenberg and as far as I’m concerned, this is his best. It’s also his most personal film serving double duty as catharsis and fantasy revenge flick. The plot, as hard as it is to sum it up in a sentence or two, surrounds a couple’s divorce and custody battle. The wife undergoes controversial psychiatric treatment that allows her to unleash dormant psychic powers that link her to a horde of deformed, murderous monster children that act out her most violent impulses. Cronenberg wrote this during his own divorce and custody battle, so we get not only the usual Cronenberg skin crawling moments, psychological explorations and buckets of gore, but an emotional impact as well.
3) Audition (1999)
“Kiri Kiri Kiri.” If you’ve seen Audition, those are the only words you need to hear to make your skin crawl. If you haven’t, and there’s no excuse for that, this is one of those movies where the less you know the better. Stick to the premise of a lonely widower sets up an audition for a fake film in order to find a date and enjoy as things don‘t go anywhere you think this is going to go. Just know that the film is deliberate and takes it’s time getting to where it’s going, but when it gets there….wow. Surprisingly, it starts as almost a genuinely quirky romantic comedy and it would be successful if that’s where it stopped at. Someday I’ll do a full review on this film because it’s rich in subtext and layering themes, as well as a great introductory to the insanity of director Takashi Miike.
2) The Mist (2007)
This was always my favorite story by Stephen King and I’m glad that it got the film treatment that it deserved. There’s nothing all that original here. It’s all standard tropes. Survivors trapped in a confined space must fight an enemy outside that may not be as dangerous as the people around them. The strength of the story has always been that there are a large number of survivors that represent the full microcosm of our society and how scary a mob can be once we’re reduced to our fears, prejudices and ignorance. The other strength here is the strong acting across the board and the best work (yes, better than Shawshank) of Frank Darabont. His themes have always centered around the power of hope and faith. The Mist shows a Darabont who seems disillusioned and angry and he’s giving us a mirror to show us why. It’s bleak and it goes for the throat. We need more films with balls like this. Bonus Points – it’s a MUST that you see the black & white version of this on DVD/Blue ray. Darabount wraps his very modern morality play in the most old fashioned of horror wrapping paper and it plays out even stronger in black and white.
Not just my favorite horror film of all time, it’s one of my favorite films ever. Period. I saw this as a little kid and it completely changed the way I viewed cinema. It was one of the most influential works towards making me the film geek I am today. There was a time when John Carpenter was a master of his craft. Simply the best genre film maker alive. This was his Citizen Kane. The tension and the palpable dread are at levels that very few filmmakers can achieve. Carpenter doesn’t just show you the building paranoia of this dwindling Arctic research crew trying to figure out who’s still human and who’s an alien doppelganger, he makes you actually feel it yourself. Just as he earns every frightening moment without resorting to crashing musical cues and cheap jump scares. The Thing is also Exhibit A on why practical effects triumph over CGI. We’re going on thirty years old and it still holds up as maybe the best practical effects ever created. The Thing is just simply note perfect on every level and should be show in any film class as a how to on horror.
Super Carnita’s List
5 – Friday the 13th
This movie scared me. 1980 right? 81′ maybe? Anyways…I went to see this movie with my sister and her friends. I was maybe…12. Maybe. When Jason jumped out of the water…towards the end…It scared the shit out of me. I had nightmares for weeks. It’s probably one of 5 movies that ever really scared me. And this movie, even though it eventually ate itself, kind of set the standard for about 7,000 teen slasher flicks. It was great. The sequels sucked..with the exception of a few. Jason v Freddy was OK. Jason X (in space) was freakin great. Anyways…this movie beat out Let The Right One In….it might not if you ask me again in 2 days.
Scream is one of my generations most important horror movies. Horror…with a few exceptions…hit a real low point in the 90’s. With Scream, Wes Craven dared to not only mock the genre..but to advance it leaps and bounds. He…with one clever…smart..movie…put main stream horror back on the right track. I’m not really a Wes Craven fan….but I thank him for Scream. Scream was necessary. How many movies can say that?
3 – An American Werewolf in London
From the late 70’s until the late 80’s…John Landis was putting out some next level shit. What happened? You tell me. What I’m going to tell you is that An American Werewolf in London is an amazing horror film. It’s funny and scary and tense…and clever…and beautiful. The opening scenes in the pub…and subsequently on the Moors….are nothing short of brilliant. The transformation scene is legendary. The music is nearly perfect. Griffen Dunne (sp?) should have won an Oscar. Watch this movie.
People are still trying to improve upon this movie. Hasn’t happened yet. Dawn of the Dead was great….but I have to give the first movie the most credit. And here’s a little secret…in this movie..the zombies run. They do. Night of the Living Dead wastes no time making the viewer feel anxious. It perfects the “trapped in a house” feel that countless movies would later try and duplicate. Night of the Living Dead was the first DVD I ever bought. It’s a classic horror movie. Classic.
1 – The Shining
The whole thing about the Shining is weird. It’s hard to judge a movie that”s based on a book. 9 times out of 10 the book is way better than the movie. There are a few exceptions. There’s even a Stephen King exception..Pet Semetary. There might even be a couple others. But The Shining is odd. The Book is great. It’s scary and engrossing…and weird. It’s great. The movie strays from the book. Kubrick manages to embrace the spirit of the book..but he makes it his own. And in the process, I believe he makes the scariest, American horror movie ever filmed.
Dub Cee’s List
Number 5. Candyman (1992) First and thus far only movie to actually give me nightmares. Watched this when I was about ten and still get unnerved just a little when I watch it. I just really enjoyed how everything was set up and just the general vibe of the movie. Candyman is just a fun film.
Number 4. Friday the 13th (1980) I know, I know, cliched and the franchise has become a bad joke. However, this movie was great. The ending is one of the very few times I have been totally caught off guard by a movie. Its because of the ending that I learned a valuable lesson, never drink soda while watching a horror flick when the carpet is white. I swear the brown stain is just soda!
Number 3. Night of the Living Dead (1968) As I said, I am not generally big on this genre of films, however, Night of the Living Dead is amazing. The political statement of the final sequence was poignant and extremely well done. Not to mention the entire movie has you on edge and questioning exactly where morals end and self preservation begins.
Number 2. 28 Days Later (2002) Much like John Carpenter’s Vampires introduced the concept of vampirism as being a disease to me, 28 Days Later was the first film I saw to suggest that zombies were not the waking dead but humans mutated by a virus, which now seems to be the standard for zombies. Not a ton to say here except that I just really enjoyed the movie and the notion that this poor guy wakes up after a month long coma to see what amounts to Hell on Earth. Good times.
Number 1. Nosferatu (1922) My favorite horror film, hands down and it ain’t close. It is a silent film and I personally will try to watch it about once a year. Best in the late evening / early morning hours, with every light off and the windows covered. Allow the creaks of the wind in the old house to provide the soundtrack. I promise you, by the end of the movie you will be turning on the lights and vowing to never try that experiment again…then one year later you will. Just love everything about this one.
Tigris Rose’s List
That’s right Black & White and silent. The combination of shadows, lighting, and creepy music kind of helps make this one of the epic vampire movie. Then of course the way Max Schreck looks and acts as Count Orlok is just creepy. It is actually unique how this movie still survives. Nosferatu is an unaccepted adaptation of Stroker’s Dracula. They didn’t get the rights to do the movie, but went ahead of the project. Stroker’s widow sued the company and the judge ordered that all the copies of the movie to be destroyed. Thankfully some copies were stored and hidden and its still around today.
2. Kwaidan (1964)
I saw this movie for the first time when I was a junior at Ball State University. I was in Steven Bell’s Telecommunications Ethics class. We had a guest in class from Japan, and we were talking about the interpretation about what was allowed to be seen and not be seen on television to the point of horror movies. This isn’t scary like blood guts, slasher, creepy people scary. It is a lot like Hitchcock. You don’t actually seen the scary stuff, but it really makes you think. There are four different segments to this movie, the first one titled “Black Hair” is my favorite segment of the movie. Especially the way the film is lighted when the husband goes back to his first wife. But this movie’s compilation is of four traditional ghost stories from old Japan. If you are a fan of ghost stories, or Hitchcock movies this is definably one to see.
3. Dracula (1931)
That’s right, screw Gary Oldman, no matter how cute he may be. Or how awesome Anthony Hopkins is. Bela Lugosi is Dracula. I am a sucker for Vampire movies, but I have always loved this adaptations of Dracula. This version is probably hands down my favorite. Again another black and white, but I hate how people refuse to watch a movie because its black and white. Some of the greatest films are in black and white, and this is one of them.
4. Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Ok, now, Wes Craven did a great job of scaring the hell out of children with a really scary character that is, was, and always will be Freddy Krueger. Lets face it with all the sequals Freddy truely will never die. Freddy of course in the original is played by Robert Englund, who alone can be the scariest man in the world. The last thing that people probably in this era has seen him and recognize him in was a creepy janitor in season 5, episode 17 of Bones. Where Brennan goes back to high school to solve a murder of a classmate. Anyway, the thought of a murderer coming through dreams, with a glove of fingered knifes lets just say when you are little like I was when I first saw it on the telly at the age of 6, you don’t keep your eyes open. And 26 years after the movie was made it still gives me the hibbie jibbies.
5. IT (1990)
Tim Curry at his creepiest. Probably the one Steven King movie adaptation I truly like. Nothing like a really scary clown to make a seven year old never want to go to the circus again. Bozo and Ronald never looked the same after that. And every person who has ever seen this movie instantly should have been diagnosed with coulrophobia (fear of clowns).
Guillame DeSade’s List
5. A Serbian Film…this movie raped my soul, yet I couldn’t turn away. Watching
it was like being in an abusive relationship…everytime this movie did
something awful, I kept telling myself that I deserved it, and it couldn’t get
worse…and it always did. Right up to the credits!
4. Had a tie for this one…Saw I and Hostel. Saw came out of left field with
Jigsaw and his morality traps. Put yourself in one of those traps…how far
would you go to save yourself. Hostel on the other hand…you have NO chance to
save yourself. You’re stuck and get to look your killer in the eyes and see the
joy they get from carmelizing your face.
3. Deliverance…all I have to say is that I have met people like that. I
managed to get away without being assraped but I know they were thinking about
it. It might be a traditional horror movie, but it scared the shit out of me!
2. Misery…do I really need to go into details on this one?!?! I’ve known some
nutty chicks but no one has ever smashed my ankles with a hammer.
1. A Serbian Film…yes, this movie got two spots. It is the Alpha and the Omega
of movies that scared the piss out of me and left me a broken human being. I
mean, what hell?!?!?! this movie is allegedly a statement about the way the
Serbian government treats its citizens. What did I get out of it? Those
filmmakers hated me and wanted give me permanent emotional wounds that may never
Honorable Mentions: PVC-1-shot all in one take. Not always fast paced but the
end will grab you.
Candyman and Nightmare On Elm Street…classics…what more needs to be said?
Chainsaw Cheerleader’s List
5.) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was my first introduction to 1970’s horror films. It wasn’t like anything I had seen before. It was raw and gritty. The biggest highlight of the film was that they actually showed the point of contact between the chainsaw and the victim. In many films, the moment the killer hurts the victim in any form the camera focuses on the back of the killer. I nor millions of other horror movie fans are watching these type of films because of the plot. We want to see the violence and the gore. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a beautiful start to the beginning of movies showing more blood and guts.
Peter Jackson had a mere two films under his belt before directing a film about a man controlled by his mother and the zombie outbreak that was about to be unleashed under his own roof. When a film has a zombie preacher make sweet zombie love to another of his kind and bring about a zombie baby from this union one could not argue as to any reason why not to see this film.
Besides the fact that I want to make mad passionate Batman love to Christian Bale, American Psycho brought the serial killer into a whole new realm. In many movies the serial killer is seen as hidden, away from the world, quiet, and an unremarkable human being. Patrick Batemen is attractive, has a great paying job, and a beautiful girlfriend. Despite having it all he is dead inside. He feels nothing and this does not concern him. His superficial world is what he clings onto most as he beings torturing and killing his victims. Slowly, his sanity slips away and he realizes the shallow people he has surrounded himself with barely notice his outer shell begin to crack. American Psycho is a perfect representation of the 1980’s yuppie.
George A. Romero brought the zombie to the big screen in the film Night of the Living Dead. Some might mention this as their first of his films but it wasn’t until Dawn of the Dead that I realized the beauty of the zombie. Despite the fact that this film was a take on American consumerism, no one could argue that is what they took away from it when they first watched it but they could tell you just how awesome it was to watch a zombie get his head chopped off by a helicopter blade.
Besides the fact that I want to make mad passionate love to a twenty year old Bruce Campbell, The Evil Dead introduced many to the comedy of horror. With an element of slapstick, The Evil Dead is as much about demon possession as it is about the Three Stooges. It is this film that made me truly fall in love with horror films and was the nail in the coffin of my parents dreams that they would ever have a normal daughter.
Often films that have wrestlers as the main character tend to be painful to watch. They Live is the exception. Roddy Piper plays George Nada, a man without a home or a direction. It is only after he realizes that humans are being controlled by aliens through the means of greed and want, that he finds his way. That way being chewing bubble gum and kicking ass.