Chainsaw Cheerleader presents: It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Homosexual marriage, Mother Nature’s wraith, turmoil in the Holy Land, a black president…is it the Liberal agenda? No, it’s the end times! While Liberalism may seem like one of the signs of the Apocalypse, nothing says look busy Jesus is coming quite like giving some batshit crazy asshole national media attention. Harold Camping, the asshole in question, has predicted that on May 21, 2011 around 6 p.m. the rapture, as foretold within the Bible shall begin. Conveniently, he believes that only 2 percent of believers (a barely recognizable amount out of nearly 7 billion people on Earth) will be raptured right away, though the total destruction of the Earth will occur in October. While Camping is the type of Christian that gives other believers a bad name, he is 89 years old and as his end time it literally any day now, we shall take a look at films that have entered the theaters since his last rapture prediction (1994). Randomly selected, these films all fit into the categories that each of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would enjoy with a bit of popcorn and the destruction of mankind.

White Horse (Pestilence)

Sickness, disease, plague…the scariest things are always that which we cannot see. How can you save yourself or your loved ones from something that is nearly invisible? How can you defeat what is beyond your knowledge or understanding? The answer is simple: you need a film that solves the problem within its last ten minutes by blowing your mind so you do not once question the legality of its method. Hollywood loves to pull the strings of our paranoia. Whether it is aliens, terrorists, or something else we lack control over, these are individual fears. It is only universal fears that are end of the world worthy.

12 Monkeys (1995)

12 Monkeys not only displayed the fact that Brad Pitt can play crazy pretty well but it also show cased the idea that the disease of the mind can be scarier than a disease that wipes out the majority of the human population on Earth. Bruce Willis’s character was not only trying to find more information on the events that led up to the near extinction of humankind, he was a man that showed clear signs of paranoia and psychosis. Sure, certain events throughout the film validated his paranoia but it was the treatment he received in the future that helped prove that the loss of one’s mental facilities can be more frightening then the loss of their life.

Other Examples:

28 Days Later (2002)

Children of Men (2006)

Three Random Movie Plagues:

The sequel and prequel

The milking of popular genres

The awful actor that is somehow still working (example: Keanu Reeves, Megan Fox)

Red Horse (War)

Edwin Starr once asked, ” War, huh, yeah, what is it good for?” The answer is simple: the underlying theme of some of the greatest movies ever made. While brave men and women give their lives so we can secretly watch the Ben Affleck film, “Pearl Harbor” for the third time while pretending to scoff at how horrible the film was, Hollywood plunders their souls and experiences to cash in. The war film makes its  horrors safe for the viewing public while giving them a false belief that they understand that horror because they watched it in a theater. For many, the war film is the closest they will ever get to actual combat and that is clearly close enough.

Jarhead (2005)

Jarhead may not be the next Full Metal Jacket or Apocalypse Now or a lot of other things but it’s entertaining and sets a great example of the perception of war in Hollywood. The film industry  has had a shady record of glorifying or sexualizing war. Nothing demonstrates this better then when Jake Gyllenhaal celebrates Christmas in nothing more than a Santa hat during operation Desert Storm. Obviously sexualized behavior happens on any Army base regardless of location but one must ask themselves besides that scene what else does one remember from that movie? Gyllenhaal proves…the rapture should be sexy.

Other Examples:

Adam Resurrected (2008)

The Pianist (2002)

Three Random War on Films:

The dismissal of an actor due to age and not talent

Censorship of taboo subjects (example: sexuality, history)

The pussifacation of young male stars

Black Horse (Famine)

America is one of the most well-feed and over-weight countries in the world. Like our muffin tops, we wear this fact well as a symbol of wealth and the prosperity of our country. This writer will be the first to admit that if I could eat pizza for the rest of my life and never see another vegetable again, I think I would understand the true meaning of Nirvana as spoken about by the Buddha. But like most others from privileged countries, I’m allergic to a food that someone from a third-world country has most likely never tasted. While my body rejects what I believe should be healthier then broccoli, Hollywood has done the same with certain movie concepts. Force feeding the viewer watered down ideas of love, sex, and relationships, Hollywood laughs as we gobble it up. Sure, we could say no. We could put down that last slice and walk away but damn it, just like that carb-infested slice of grease we cannot get enough of entertainment. It is only when a film tells the truth and presents the subject in its untouched form should we say fuck it and pray later on that we do not double over in pain.

Just call me Pizza the Hutt.

American History X (1998)

Hollywood is a great manipulator. They give us small brief glimpses of uncensored reality only to quickly devour it in front of us. They starve us of storylines that tell the truth and deny us of films that do not have polished endings. The truth that lies within American History X indulges in the idea that sometimes regardless of how hard you try to turn your life around you may still be fucked. There is no happy ending. The main character does not solve all his problems within the last ten minutes of the film, he does not get back together with his Nazi girlfriend, and the one person he tried to save is beyond his reach. American History X also tells the truth about family and how  one person’s abnormal is another’s normal. Every family, regardless of them being Nazis or not, is insane. For those who may disagree, just remember your mom does things when your away that neither of us want to know about.

Other Examples:

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Boys Don’t Cry (1999)

Three Random Movies Themes We Need More of:

Strong female roles where the woman is neither a bitch nor relies on a man

Main characters without love interests

Films that do not try to connect with the younger generation by mentioning social media networks or modern gadgets.

Pale Horse (Death)

Death is the one final concept that all living creatures share. While I cannot share my irrational hatred of Sarah Jessica Parker with for example, a seahorse, I can share our inevitable end. The rapture may use this fact against us but it is Hollywood that either embraces the fact or tries to scare the shit out of us with it. Depending on the film, a certain characters death can be gut-wrenching, note-worthy, or hilarious. It is often the death scene of a film that is remembered far more than other key events that take place during an interesting film. Not only does death make life powerful but film as well.

Milk (2008)

In 1978, politician Dan White shot Mayor George Moscone dead and then killed our nation’s first openly gay man to be voted into office, San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk. After the two murders, White proclaimed that his reasoning behind the shootings was that he had eaten to many Twinkies and was thus given a five year sentence by the courts. While incompetence on behalf of the courts may seem like reason enough for Armageddon, the fact remains that if you truly wish for your film to win an Academy Award an important character in the movie must die. Death may bring about the most primitive of feelings but it also almost guarantees admiration. Milk is an excellent film and is a reminder that Sean Penn is indeed a wonderful actor, it also raises the question had Harvey Milk not died, would this fight for equal rights be given its rightful praise?

Other Examples:

The Lion King (1994)

Fargo (1996)

Three Random Death Scenes that Should be in Film:

Electrocution via the penis

Breasts implant explosion

Someone gets hit by car only to bounce off of it to hit another car (chain reaction)

Fuck the rapture. I still have to many movies to watch before the end of the world.


2 Responses to “Chainsaw Cheerleader presents: It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)”

  1. Brilliant. I’d love to see you do some articles delving deeper into some of these ideas. You’re just scratching the surface here.

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