Archive for May, 2011

Tick Reviews: Birdemic – Shock and Terror (2008)

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2011 by Tick

I don’t think it’s a secret at this point that I love bad movies. I’ve made it abundantly clear. I know it may sound almost schizophrenic to say that with some of the negative reviews I’ve given to some horror movies on this blog, but that’s the trick to bad movies. Not just any old piece of shit can qualify as a “good” bad movie. I could probably write a thesis paper detailing the conflicting nature of bad cinema and “good” bad cinema and what separates them. There are lists of criteria, genres and subgenres, do’s and dont’s…..I could go on and on and maybe one day I’ll write an article here on the subject, but that is for another time. For now, let me just say that I know a “good” bad film when I see one and Birdemic is that film.

I was pretty skeptical going into this. Frankly, I’d been avoiding this thing like it was a Transformers film starring Kevin James and a talking CGI kitten voiced by Justin Bieber to go along with those insanely racist jive talking Autobot twins with the monkey faces. Birdemic looked that bad. I saw a couple of ridiculous clips that looked so awful that I assumed it had to be a joke. It looked sub-sub-SyFy and incredibly forced. Throw in the internet hype, the G4 coverage of the “premiere” at some crappy theater in LA, (It actually had it’s world premiere in 2008, but went ignored for almost two years) and mainstream press like EW declaring Birdemic as the new “it” cult film and it all just seemed too forced to me.

Birdemic seemed like a movie that was purposely made as awful as possible for the sole reason of manufacturing a cult hit, which are two of the most annoying things in filmmaking to me. Both things have to happen organically. You can’t force a cult following on a film and you can’t knowingly make a “good” bad film. You have a better chance of making a film for the sole purpose of winning an Oscar and achieving your goal than you do of achieving the other two. Fans of cult and bad films can smell a phony a mile away and will reject it with a vengeance. Birdemic was nudging me and winking about how clever it was. Fuck Birdemic.

Eventually, I heard the opinions of a couple of people whose views on film I trust and respect. They told me Birdemic was the real deal. VERY much the real deal and no matter how much I prepare myself for how incredibly bad it is, I’ll still never expect it to be THAT bad. So, I put it in my Netflix queue and waited for it to come.


It’s the real deal, alright. Saying that there is no way to prepare yourself for how truly, incredibly, awful it is, is indeed an understatement. Saying that it is probably the worst movie ever made, even worse than the legendary Troll 2, isn’t an exaggeration. It’s definitely now my favorite “good” bad movie by far. Best of all, this isn’t a joke. It wasn’t something that was purposely bad or made to gain cult status. Birdemic is a perfect, higher being of complete cinematic incompetence on every level and I mean EVERY level. Birdemic is a master class on film suckage. There is not one iota of filmmaking that isn’t horribly butchered in the worst way possible.  Let’s go down the list.

The Story – The plot here is simple. It’s a rip-off of the Hitchcock classic The Birds. Apparently, the nut responsible for Birdemic, James Nguyen, is obsessed with Hitchcock. He conned Tippi Hedren into making an appearance in his first film and his second film was a rip-off (he says update) of Vertigo. This is also an “update” of the classic. By update, I mean he forces in a non-stop parade of environmental issues to lecture us with(which I’ll get back to later.) Of course, Nguyen doesn’t bother to put any scientific facts, common sense or even any sense of reality into his bullet point lectures. At best it sounds like a grade school report that was cobbled together by lazily skimming some google search results.

So, I’m sure you can guess what the telegraphed cause of the bird attacks are. I guess. That’s what a hippy that lives in a tree and an angry scientist that hangs out on the beach tell us at least and that’s as close to an explanation as you’ll get. I’d like the scientist to explain some other things to me. Like, why is it specified that the only birds that are attacking people are eagles and vultures? Are there even that many eagles left in the world? Can eagles really cough up gallons of bright green puke at will and can said puke really dissolve human flesh?  Also, why do they seem to follow our main characters everywhere? More importantly, why do the eagles and vultures apparently come from the ocean? Explain that shit, Mr. Scientist.

The bad scientific explanations are hardly the only head scratching things on display. Birdemic is loaded with nonsensical dialogue and decisions. This is a movie so uninterested in making sense that after the characters are attacked every time they step outside, they decide to have a picnic on the beach…TWICE! They find people dead in their cars from bird attacks, but drive everywhere with the windows rolled down. They start out by fighting the birds with clothes hangers even though we later find out that one of the characters, for some reason, has an arsenal of pistols and assault rifles in his van. These are stupid, stupid people.

The thing with a movie called Birdemic, you’d think bird attacks would be the focus of the film, right? Not really. It’s a ninety minute movie and it’s almost an hour before the first bird attack. An HOUR. What happens before that? Sixty minutes of befuddlement as we get the longest character introductions in history. We watch Rod, a technology salesman (I think that was his official title. seriously) goes about his stupid, unbelievable life. We also get to meet fashion model Nathalie and watch her go about her equally stupid and unbelievable life. We also get to see them meet and then decide they want to be together forever after two really awful date scenes, even though any normal person would end a date with either one of them after a few minutes into it.

As ridiculous and unbelievable as the bird scenes are and Nguyen ideas of what are scientific facts, the first hour of “normal” life is even dumber. We see Rod in his really phony looking cubicle as he’s closing a sale with a customer. We hear him tell the customer that he will give him fifty percent off the sale in order to close the deal. He then announces that the sale was for one-million dollars. That means he also gave away one-million dollars. In what world do you give away one-million dollars and not get fired and maybe go to jail? Later we see Rod buy twenty-thousand dollars worth of solar panels for his house. He asks the solar panel salesman for a deal. The guy takes off one-thousand dollars immediately. Rod is happy. Rod should instead be taking notes on what an appropriate sales discount would be. It’s not one million dollars.

That’s just one of many scenes that are nowhere close to reality. We see Rod’s tech company that no one has ever heard of get purchased by Oracle for one-billion dollars. Apparently Dr Evil owns Oracle. We see Nathalie, who is kinda vaguely hot at best, learn she’s to become the new Victoria’s Secret cover model. We see Rod invent his own revolutionary solar panel technology in one afternoon and get ten-million in funding immediately from some random guy. These are the luckiest idiots that ever lived I guess and after an hour of watching this crap, I’m supposed to care about them. I don’t. Then suddenly the birds attack en masse and…eh…whatever. Just watch it.

The Acting – I saw an interview with Nguyen where he said he casts local amateur “talent”. No shit? Wouldn’t have guessed. There’s a lot of bad actors out there. Lots. None as bad as these. Seriously. From top to bottom, main cast to walk on one liners, everyone is atrocious. There is a waitress who cackles out something in some thick Euroscuzz accent that in no way resembles an actual sentence. There is a gas station attendant that mumbles so badly, you have no idea what he said. The two main children are so unenthused that they sound depressed and/or angry. The woman playing Nathalie’s mom obviously can’t remember her lines and is just ad-libbing everything. Several times someone obviously flubs their lines and it’s just left in. People can’t even scream with any authenticity.

The two leads, Alan Bagh and Whitney Moore, seem like they both thought that the best way to play their characters was to just go with vacant. Bagh does it by wearing a completely blank expression for almost the entire run time, occasionally upgrading to a look of confusion. He moves in slow motion most of the time, walking as if he’s in a trance. He speaks in stuttering stops, sounding like a kid in school nervously reading a report in front of the class. I’m pretty sure that Bagh considers personality to be a booger that he doesn’t want to get on him.

Moore goes the other way with her vacant routine. She’s impossibly happy for most of the film, even after the birds attack and she might die. She almost never stops smiling and her big dopey grin grates quickly. Her voice drips sugar with every happy go lucky bit of dialogue as if she were Snow White and the birds were singing for her. At no point does she seem more than barely aware of anything going on around her and I’m not even sure she knows she’s in a movie.

I sympathize that these people have to recite some truly awful dialogue that normal people would never say. Especially the crap that comes out of Rod’s mouth. The scene where Rod and Nathalie are about to have sex is a standout. Nathalie stands before him in her bra and panties and asks “How do I look?” Rod slowly looks her up and down and replies “You look fine” in a completely monotone voice. Nguyen also has some bizarre need to make everyone really polite all of the time. You could play a drinking game with this film, taking shots every time someone says Thank You and you’d be very fucked up by the time the movie ends. Still, these people are awful. At points I truly thought they were robots. Or maybe they thought that their characters were robots.

The Direction & Other Technical Stuff – James Nguyen isn’t just a horrible writer, he’s a horrible director. I’ve honestly never seen one as clueless on every aspect of filmmaking. This guy thinks the proper way to open a movie is to film a car driving impossibly slow on a highway for a good three minutes. It’s just scene after scene of a Mustang driving so slowly that it’s clearly holding up traffic and would get you killed if you actually tried it. There’s no reason for it. It adds nothing to the character or the story. But it just keeps going and going and going and when you think it’s done it goes some more. For no fucking reason.

That’s Nguyen’s idea for a scene. He does this sort of thing several times throughout the film. There are several more long slow driving scenes for no reason. There’s several minutes of filming a pumpkin festival parade for no reason. Before the first bird attack, we see many long pointless shots of houses and towns and farms that are supposed to punctuate the attack, but only bore and confuse. The guy has no idea how to compose a scene or edit one. Way too many scenes go on forever for no reason. There’s a scene where our couple are dancing to the worst song ever (really, wait until you hear it) and it’s just painful to watch. Nathalie dances in a way that is so insanely awkward and spastic that it makes Elaine on Seinfeld’s famous dance look like the finale of Black Swan.

He also has no idea how to block one out. He obviously couldn’t afford to shut down roads or parks for his film, which is understandable. However, if you want me to believe there in an apocalyptic event happening and people are dying and fleeing for the hills, don’t let me see them frolicking on the beach and flying kites in the background. Cut out the people riding by on bikes. Maybe on that abandoned highway where you find cars full of dead people, don’t show the many cars driving by on their way to a fun afternoon. I know Nguyen doesn’t know how to shoot a film, but I’m not even sure he’s ever actually watched a film.

The editing is choppy and sloppy. The sound cuts in and out, going from too loud to non-existent like they were recording with a playschool microphone. The soundtrack actually sounds surprisingly professional at times, yet is never appropriate to what is going on. It veers from something that sounds like it came from a cheerful family comedy to something that should be playing during a patriotic speech in a War movie. I’m pretty sure whoever scored this was watching other movies when they recorded the soundtrack. Either that or Nguyen just stole it from someone. As for the special effects….well, you saw the clip. These are Playstation one graphics. Worse, they’re actually retarded and like everything else in this film, it’s not connected to reality in any way. Birds hover in air, in one spot, for several minutes without moving their wings. Some birds can dive bomb into houses and make them explode while others can’t even get past a coat hanger. At times these things don’t even look like birds at all.

The Summation – Now, all this may sound like this is something I hated. Wrong. It may also sound like something that’s a chore to sit through. Double wrong. Birdemic is a fucking hoot. By the time you get five minutes into this, you’re rolling with laughter at just how truly bug shit crazy the movie is and you’re hooked. It truly is the most WTF movie that I’ve ever watched and it’s completely genuine. This isn’t a joke. It’s deathly serious and incredibly sincere. Nguyen is so serious about what he’s doing and what he’s trying to say that the movie is actually very preachy in parts, which would get sort of annoying if it wasn’t so clumsy and stupid in how it does it. James Nguyen is completely, utterly incompetent as a filmmaker. He has absolutely no understanding of films whatsoever. Yet, he is fully determined to make a great a piece of art and he’s sure he’s on the right path. That’s sort of endearing and absolutely entertaining. He’s at least achieved immortal status now, because Birdemic is now the best of the worst. Everyone absolutely needs to see Birdemic. I guarantee you’ll be entertained and awed by it.


Dub Cee reviews: POTC: On Stranger Tides

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2011 by Dub Cee

Director: Rob Marshall
Writer(s): Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio (screenplay)

Ok, so, my wife and I finally have a weekend together and we decided to check out a movie and grab some dinner. We settled on a couple of Ribeye steaks from Texas Roadhouse, where I downed a couple of Samuel Adams: Boston Lager’s. We also finally decided to watch the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie rather than Thor. Personally, my expectations were fairly low going into this. Particularly after the back to back crapfest that were Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End.

Right of the bat, I liked this movie more than DMC or AWE, the first 20 minutes is a great action/escape scene where Sparrow rescues Gibbs from the courthouse, gets caught, is in the middle of the royal palace but then proceeds to escape again. There is a slight pause in the action to allow some dialogue and to introduce the pirate turned priveteer Hector Barbosa. (Geoffrey Rush) It is during this that we learn the premise of the story. The Spainish have figured out the location of the Fountain of Youth. Keeping with the spirit of the day, the English simply cannot allow them to find it first so Barbosa offers Sparrow his ship in exchange for Sparrow’s map, which we saw him steal at the end of AME.

Eventually it is found out this is a three way race as Blackbeard ( Ian McShane )himself is seeking out the fountain along with his first mate Angelica. Angelica (Penelope Cruz) of course being a woman from Cpt. Jack’s past and the movie does a nice job of ever so slowly peeling back the layers of their relationship. I think one of the main reasons I enjoyed this is that nobody was particularly the back guy. I mean Blackbeard was a ruthless bastard but when your prophet tells you that you will be killed by a one legged man, you will do what you must to find the fountain of youth, no?

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. The pauses in the action are filled with moving the story forward and are just short enough to let the audience either laugh or simply catch its breath. There are no wasted or pointless scenes and the pacing is just good. It was a two hour movie but it seemed to me to much shorter, unlike the two previous monstrosities.

Overall: B+ (on Par with Curse of the Black Pearl)

Chainsaw Cheerleader presents: It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2011 by chainsawcheerleader

Homosexual marriage, Mother Nature’s wraith, turmoil in the Holy Land, a black president…is it the Liberal agenda? No, it’s the end times! While Liberalism may seem like one of the signs of the Apocalypse, nothing says look busy Jesus is coming quite like giving some batshit crazy asshole national media attention. Harold Camping, the asshole in question, has predicted that on May 21, 2011 around 6 p.m. the rapture, as foretold within the Bible shall begin. Conveniently, he believes that only 2 percent of believers (a barely recognizable amount out of nearly 7 billion people on Earth) will be raptured right away, though the total destruction of the Earth will occur in October. While Camping is the type of Christian that gives other believers a bad name, he is 89 years old and as his end time it literally any day now, we shall take a look at films that have entered the theaters since his last rapture prediction (1994). Randomly selected, these films all fit into the categories that each of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would enjoy with a bit of popcorn and the destruction of mankind.

White Horse (Pestilence)

Sickness, disease, plague…the scariest things are always that which we cannot see. How can you save yourself or your loved ones from something that is nearly invisible? How can you defeat what is beyond your knowledge or understanding? The answer is simple: you need a film that solves the problem within its last ten minutes by blowing your mind so you do not once question the legality of its method. Hollywood loves to pull the strings of our paranoia. Whether it is aliens, terrorists, or something else we lack control over, these are individual fears. It is only universal fears that are end of the world worthy.

12 Monkeys (1995)

12 Monkeys not only displayed the fact that Brad Pitt can play crazy pretty well but it also show cased the idea that the disease of the mind can be scarier than a disease that wipes out the majority of the human population on Earth. Bruce Willis’s character was not only trying to find more information on the events that led up to the near extinction of humankind, he was a man that showed clear signs of paranoia and psychosis. Sure, certain events throughout the film validated his paranoia but it was the treatment he received in the future that helped prove that the loss of one’s mental facilities can be more frightening then the loss of their life.

Other Examples:

28 Days Later (2002)

Children of Men (2006)

Three Random Movie Plagues:

The sequel and prequel

The milking of popular genres

The awful actor that is somehow still working (example: Keanu Reeves, Megan Fox)

Red Horse (War)

Edwin Starr once asked, ” War, huh, yeah, what is it good for?” The answer is simple: the underlying theme of some of the greatest movies ever made. While brave men and women give their lives so we can secretly watch the Ben Affleck film, “Pearl Harbor” for the third time while pretending to scoff at how horrible the film was, Hollywood plunders their souls and experiences to cash in. The war film makes its  horrors safe for the viewing public while giving them a false belief that they understand that horror because they watched it in a theater. For many, the war film is the closest they will ever get to actual combat and that is clearly close enough.

Jarhead (2005)

Jarhead may not be the next Full Metal Jacket or Apocalypse Now or a lot of other things but it’s entertaining and sets a great example of the perception of war in Hollywood. The film industry  has had a shady record of glorifying or sexualizing war. Nothing demonstrates this better then when Jake Gyllenhaal celebrates Christmas in nothing more than a Santa hat during operation Desert Storm. Obviously sexualized behavior happens on any Army base regardless of location but one must ask themselves besides that scene what else does one remember from that movie? Gyllenhaal proves…the rapture should be sexy.

Other Examples:

Adam Resurrected (2008)

The Pianist (2002)

Three Random War on Films:

The dismissal of an actor due to age and not talent

Censorship of taboo subjects (example: sexuality, history)

The pussifacation of young male stars

Black Horse (Famine)

America is one of the most well-feed and over-weight countries in the world. Like our muffin tops, we wear this fact well as a symbol of wealth and the prosperity of our country. This writer will be the first to admit that if I could eat pizza for the rest of my life and never see another vegetable again, I think I would understand the true meaning of Nirvana as spoken about by the Buddha. But like most others from privileged countries, I’m allergic to a food that someone from a third-world country has most likely never tasted. While my body rejects what I believe should be healthier then broccoli, Hollywood has done the same with certain movie concepts. Force feeding the viewer watered down ideas of love, sex, and relationships, Hollywood laughs as we gobble it up. Sure, we could say no. We could put down that last slice and walk away but damn it, just like that carb-infested slice of grease we cannot get enough of entertainment. It is only when a film tells the truth and presents the subject in its untouched form should we say fuck it and pray later on that we do not double over in pain.

Just call me Pizza the Hutt.

American History X (1998)

Hollywood is a great manipulator. They give us small brief glimpses of uncensored reality only to quickly devour it in front of us. They starve us of storylines that tell the truth and deny us of films that do not have polished endings. The truth that lies within American History X indulges in the idea that sometimes regardless of how hard you try to turn your life around you may still be fucked. There is no happy ending. The main character does not solve all his problems within the last ten minutes of the film, he does not get back together with his Nazi girlfriend, and the one person he tried to save is beyond his reach. American History X also tells the truth about family and how  one person’s abnormal is another’s normal. Every family, regardless of them being Nazis or not, is insane. For those who may disagree, just remember your mom does things when your away that neither of us want to know about.

Other Examples:

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Boys Don’t Cry (1999)

Three Random Movies Themes We Need More of:

Strong female roles where the woman is neither a bitch nor relies on a man

Main characters without love interests

Films that do not try to connect with the younger generation by mentioning social media networks or modern gadgets.

Pale Horse (Death)

Death is the one final concept that all living creatures share. While I cannot share my irrational hatred of Sarah Jessica Parker with for example, a seahorse, I can share our inevitable end. The rapture may use this fact against us but it is Hollywood that either embraces the fact or tries to scare the shit out of us with it. Depending on the film, a certain characters death can be gut-wrenching, note-worthy, or hilarious. It is often the death scene of a film that is remembered far more than other key events that take place during an interesting film. Not only does death make life powerful but film as well.

Milk (2008)

In 1978, politician Dan White shot Mayor George Moscone dead and then killed our nation’s first openly gay man to be voted into office, San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk. After the two murders, White proclaimed that his reasoning behind the shootings was that he had eaten to many Twinkies and was thus given a five year sentence by the courts. While incompetence on behalf of the courts may seem like reason enough for Armageddon, the fact remains that if you truly wish for your film to win an Academy Award an important character in the movie must die. Death may bring about the most primitive of feelings but it also almost guarantees admiration. Milk is an excellent film and is a reminder that Sean Penn is indeed a wonderful actor, it also raises the question had Harvey Milk not died, would this fight for equal rights be given its rightful praise?

Other Examples:

The Lion King (1994)

Fargo (1996)

Three Random Death Scenes that Should be in Film:

Electrocution via the penis

Breasts implant explosion

Someone gets hit by car only to bounce off of it to hit another car (chain reaction)

Fuck the rapture. I still have to many movies to watch before the end of the world.

Sabbath Reviews: Scream 4 (2011)

Posted in Uncategorized on May 20, 2011 by Sabbath

Directed by: Wes Craven
Written by: Kevin Williamson

In 1996, Wes Craven directed Scream and attempted to breakdown the horror film genre while delivering the scares. Most importantly, he took on the slasher genre which at the time was dead. The greatest killers of the slasher genres all started in the late 1970s and the 1980s. Jason, Freddy, Michael … they were all part of franchises that were being driven into the ground by the time the 90s rolled around and new new challengers stepped up to the plate until Ghostface.

I wasn’t an intense fan of the Scream series when they came about in the ’90s, but I enjoyed them. I enjoyed them enough that even though it ended on a sour note with Scream 3 — which was at best all right, and at worst pretty shitty by the series standards — when a 4th installment was announced I’d knew I’d be in the theaters to see it. I’m a sucker. You deliver me a sequel a decade later, and I’m going to be curious to see what you can do with it. In some cases, it worked. I find Rocky Balboa to be one of the best installments in the series. On the end hand, I found the last Rambo to be pretty fucking mindless. Would Scream 4 stack up? Who could be the killer this time around?

So, I watched Scream 4 knowing it could either be a pleasant surprise or a complete dud.

IMDb gives Scream 4 a 7.1, just shy of Scream’s 7.2 and way ahead of Scream 2’s 5.9 or Scream 3’s 5.3

Has the world gone fucking mad?

It’s been a decade since we’ve last seen these characters. At one time we knew them, at one time we gave a shit about them, but at some point they forgot they need to make us care about them again. Again. Because it HAS been ten years. I’m getting ahead of myself though.

Scream 4 opens up on the traditional scene. Phone call. Killer in the house. But wait! Fakeout! It was a movie. Two girls sitting on a couch, talking about the movie. One bitches about how predictable it is … she gets stabbed! Fakeout again! That was a movie within a movie, and now we’re in the real movie and … this pretty much sets the stage for what Scream 4 is going to be about. Meta. Meta on top of meta on top of meta. Where the original trilogy tried to disassemble the slasher movie cliches, this one’s bread-and-butter is metareferencing and basically going all the way back to the beginning … which, yes, is what the third one was about, but this is going back to the beginning in a different way.

This is remaking the movie.

And failing at every corner. So, of course we get to meet up with the characters again. Dewey is the Sheriff and he’s … dopey. He’s his character from the Scary Movie franchise. A joke, completely incompetent, and not helpful at all to the plot. Gale is retired but still a bitch, which is nice to see, and yes, they’re married. Honestly, Gale is probably the only one of the original series to get any kind of soul in her character and the only one I gave two shits about the whole movie. What about Sid? Wooden as the posts they crucified your savior with. Zero character development, zero heart in the acting … I couldn’t care less about her throughout the entire movie and this was a character we’ve had THREE movies to grow attached to.

The new characters include Sid’s … niece? Cousin? I think cousin, but I’m not going to bother looking it up because that would mean researching this movie and it doesn’t deserve it. She’s the Sid of this movie. Her friends start dying one by one, etc. etc. Hayden Panettiere plays Kirby, the only friend you’ll care about in this movie and I’ve got to say Hayden was impressive in this movie. Not usually a big fan and I found her sometimes annoying on Heroes, but I give her props here.

We’ve also got two nerds to replace the superior nerd Randy who was killed off already in the franchise and —

Did I mention most of this movie takes place in about two locations? They’re under house arrest most of the movie, so we get to see the interior of Sid’s cousin’s house most of the movie. Truly … boring. Also, while under house arrest, they’re watched by a total of two cops who have failed to protect them and their friends ONCE while under house arrest, yet security is never amped up. Fucking convenient.

You want to know who the killer is? No, you don’t — and not because it’s a spoiler, but because the logic and spin they put on it is the dumbest fucking reveal I’ve ever seen in any kind of horror or suspense movie. They must have written the script without a killer in mind and at the end tried to concoct something, because that’s how it seemed. I was floored by how uninspired the killer’s motives were. It was like I was being mocked. “You really think we had anything left in our tank? Are you retarded?”.

I was literally blown away by how pathetic the ending was, by how boring the entire story was leading up to it, and by how much they shit on the souls of the characters they spent three movies developing. Poor Dewey … poor, pitiful Dewey. He was always a dork, but now he’s just a caricature. Sid? She picked up a few martial arts moves from a self-defense class, but came across as a complete mouth breathing, soulless jackass up until the climax.

And as I walked out of the theater and I turned to the two people I was with and asked them what they thought … they both told me they loved it.

I’m starting to believe it. Wes Craven is just a hack who managed to hit a couple of balls out of the park with some random swings. If you actually consider this a good installment, a good movie, or deserving of it’s 7.1 on IMDb, I don’t even know what to say to you. I would rather watch Scream 3 100x consecutively than take in this piece of garbage ever again.

Sidney said it best in Scream 4. “You forgot the first rule of remakes: don’t fuck with the original.”

I had more I wanted to say, I think. I don’t know. I got so mad thinking about the movie all over again that a fuse blew. Call me in 10 years when you’ll make Scream 5 so I can be a little bitch ass and put myself back in the seats because like all horror fans, I never learn. I’m like the little boy who put his hand on a hot stove, then sat on it. Don’t. Fucking. Learn.

— Sabbath

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